Tough Topic Tuesday


When Annie woke up to eat at 2:22 a.m. this morning she flung her little hand across her body and it landed, fingers hooked, into my lips and mouth. She never opened her eyes. And she never moved her fingers. There they sat between my gums and lips and teeth. Every once in a while she would startle or start to move her hand around for comfort and then I felt those little fingers on my tongue. I felt like a cat.


I was pretty sure my bad breath and high acidic saliva mouth could not be good for her delicate baby skin, but I couldn't bring myself to retrieve her fingers. Then I felt slightly creepy. Who gets this much pleasure out of having their babies fingers and hand awkwardly shoved into their mouth? Still, if she had not declared a retreat, I would have stayed that way all night and woken up this morning with her whole hand in my my mouth and been very happy about it. (And this reminds me of when I was newly married. I tried very hard to fall asleep holding Ryan's pinky and to wake up in the same position the next morning... holding pinkies. This of course did not work, but in my young-in-love-mind, this was a dream worth chasing. Oh the days when marriage was that simple...)

She devoured four ounces of milk and when she was done, she burrowed down into my chest and smiled and purred her way back to sleep. I rocked her for thirty more minutes just so I could be with her, could feel her, could hold her close to me.

This was one of the best moments of my life. Simple. Pure. Beautiful. Divine.

***

I think we have taken what was supposed to be rather simple, pure, beautiful, and divine and we have complicated, darkened, tarnished, and broken it: God, that is. More specifically, God's church.

The song, What Do I Know of Holy, does not just resonate with you Rebecca, or with you Renee, or with the few others who have posted comments about the song on this forum... but rather it has resonated with so many, many people in so many parts of the world. I believe this song works because people long to know and love God in a deeper way than our churches and religious traditions are giving them an opportunity to do so through. People are tired of religion.

This song says, don't give me God in a box; give me the Holy of Holies, the Creator, the unknowable, unfathomable Savior whom angels worship and rocks cry out to, who made the ocean and knows how many grains of sand are on its beaches, who made possible a way for all things to be redeemed and made new, who loves infinitely. I want that.

***

The shortfalls of religion and the church have been written on and discussed ad nauseum. Books abound on why people love God but hate the church; why the church is ineffective, intolerant, inefficient, and incongruent with the life of Jesus.

So you think things would be changing. And yet, I find that many of the churches we visit (over 100 different churches a year) are still spitting out the same washed up, empty, judgemental, boxey, passionless messages and programs. Aaagghhh. The word "program" in connection with church makes me want to pull my hair out. (Cause programs for "church members" was exactly what Jesus was all about, huh?)

***

Some examples? For the first time ever I actually heard a sermon recently that digressed into telling the mainly 7th-9th grade audience that our country was a short step away from socialism. Which he then compared to communism. This was preceded by telling the students how many of their friends and future husbands and wives had been murdered by abortion during the years they were born. This political tirade given by a college president to a group of vulnerable students was a tragic use of power in the pulpit. Instead of teaching scripture, encouraging students to draw near to God, to learn from the life and words of Jesus, or helping them practically understand how any of those things can look in their everyday lives... he used God's house to push his political agenda.

Follow me from that night in an Independent Baptist church in Texas to a recent night in Iowa when I had dinner with three girls who were all members of Christian Reformed, Lutheran, and Episcopalian denominations. After talking for a while about girl things, I asked them to tell me about their churches. What are they like? How do they shape your lives? What do the worship and sermons mean to you each week?

They looked at me like I was asking them to find the square root of 2,345,768 (And by the way, I have no idea if there is a square root for that. I have no idea how to find square roots. I have no idea what a square root is.).

So I asked them a more simple question, "Well then, why do you go to church?"

Their answer? Because we always have. I finally got them to acknowledge that the best part of church for them was the community, the people who had been a part of their lives since the nursery. And while I was happy they had found love and joy in the community there, I was heartbroken that for them, church was a community center; not a place where they fell more in love with Jesus, were drawn closer to God, or developed in any way spiritually. No wonder their faces were blank during worship and they barely moved their mouths to sing.

Those are two extreme examples.

***

The more common examples? We led worship at a more traditional church recently and eight people got up and left. Too loud? I'm a female worship leader? They weren't interested in that style of music? I'm not sure. But this was not what they wanted... so they left. At least they were honest. The other several hundred people who were there just stared at us, never worshipping themselves, but apparently just taking in a nice show.

And we run into this all the time. The church should break into Hollywood... I've never seen so many good actors in my life. So many people faking it. Going through the motions. Dead in the pews. And worse, tepidly mildewed and green around the edges of their souls. Not quite rotten, not nearly alive, just a murky, still water infested with mosquitoes. Yikes. Why go to church people??? Stay at home. Sleep in. Go for a nice run in the park and end up at a cool coffee shop and read the Sunday morning newspaper. Sometimes I think the best thing for a lot of churches would bea freak tornado that comes down only to take the walls of the building away... because then what? Would anyone choose to rebuild?

Church is supposed to be about God. And community. But mostly a group of people in love with Christ first, passionately chasing after a new way of living, finding a new way to be human, and then stumbling into a beautiful community of other people who are following the same way.

What we all to often have are social and political clubs, that at best, function like fun-loving senior centers and inclusive PTA's and fraternities who sometimes have members who sometimes have moments in God's presence while sometimes attending their events.

***

Ok, ok. I'll let up before some of you go getting too pessimistic and tell your pastor that the Christian singer told you to quit church. There are three positives that readily come to mind when I think of the condition of the church.

One. This is nothing new. "Church" "religion" and groups of Christ followers have been screwing up for years. The Israelites. The Catholic crusades. The Christians who stood by and participated in the Holocaust. The TV evangelists. The materialistically, exclusive churches in the rich suburbs. And the bigoted, hateful churches of the south. And the thousands of churches and denominations (in all corners of the world) living between the extremes who blithely exist simply because... you know, that's what they've always done. Everyone is Greek Orthodox. Everyone is Catholic. Everyone goes to community group. Everyone sits through communion. Everyone goes to church camp at least once.

Whether it is the church functioning as the murderers or as the funeral home, I take hope in the fact that we are not the first generation to reduce God's community of followers to such low lows. History repeats itself.

Second positive I see? History does not have to repeat itself.

Third positive I see? Beyond the churches that are doing harm or doing nothing; there is another kind of church. I have seen it. With my own eyes. I have seen it in California. I saw it in the Netherlands. I have seen it in Chicago. I saw it once in an amazing worship service in Slovakia. My friends have seen it in Congo. And it is happening in small churches and communities across the country. I see it brewing in my own church. There is a movement of people, faith communities, cities, even some nations who are passionately rejecting religion for the sake of religion and desperately seeking God's face.

There are bands like the Parachute Band from New Zealand who are not interested in being on the radio (even though they are incredibly talented, marketable, guys who could make a lot of money off of it) but instead are genuinely seeking to introduce God and worship to as many people as possible.

LifeTeen through the Catholic church who are, in so many inventive ways, leading students into developing their own meaningful relationships with Christ.

The Emergent Village, The Simple Way, Rob Bell, Beth Moore, Rick Warren... the list goes on and on. The church universal has glimmers of authentic Christ-centered passion, beauty, and hope. Perhaps more than the church has ever had.

***

Rick Warren says this about the church on his website:

"The Church is everywhere in the world.
There are villages that have little else,
but they do have a church."


And he continues, "The Church is the most magnificent concept ever created. It has survived persistent abuse, horrifying persecution, and widespread neglect. Yet despite its faults (due to our sinfulness), it is still God’s chosen instrument of blessing and has been for 2,000 years.

The Church will last for eternity, and because it is God’s instrument for ministry here on Earth, it is truly the greatest force on the face of the Earth. That’s why I believe tackling the world’s biggest problems – the giants of spiritual lostness, egocentric leadership, poverty, disease, and ignorance – can only be done through the Church."

Simple. Pure. Beautiful. Divine.

Whether your church has ten people or ten thousand... it is God's instrument. To go in and out of a "church building" each week without experiencing God (sometimes without even trying to or even caring whether we do), without engaging with the Holy of Holies, without connecting and journeying with others on a personal, meaningful, spiritual level (not just: how was your week, what do you think about the Cowboys? pray for my dog), and without passionately aspiring to God beyond the walls, color, creed, and safety of our own churches to be an agent of change in the world is a tragic misuse of God's house. Tragic.

And I see it all too often.

***

So my question today on Tough Topic Tuesday is to... Honestly evaluate your chosen place of worship. Your church.

Shane Claiborne says in his book The Irresistible Revolution that too many people complain about the church yet do nothing to fix it. So he endeavored to stop complaining and start acting. That left him homeless, on the streets, living with tons of other people , sharing his food, his car, his bed, his health insurance, and now he has written a book about it all and continues to be a part of the change that I believe God so desperately wants to see: Christians who actually have passion for Him.

So the real question I pose for myself and for you today is this... what are we doing to fix it? Not the staff, not the politics, not the carpet, the worship style, or the gossiping divas that the church would be so much better without.

No.

What are we doing to be a part of, to encourage, to initiate, to demand, to usher in the spiritual hunger and thirst for Christ himself in our churches?

And if we are doing nothing to this end, if you are doing nothing to this end... then why go?

Tough Topic Tuesday

ttt5.jpg


When Annie woke up to eat at 2:22 a.m. this morning she flung her little hand across her body and it landed, fingers hooked, into my lips and mouth. She never opened her eyes. And she never moved her fingers. There they sat between my gums and lips and teeth. Every once in a while she would startle or start to move her hand around for comfort and then I felt those little fingers on my tongue. I felt like a cat.


I was pretty sure my bad breath and high acidic saliva mouth could not be good for her delicate baby skin, but I couldn't bring myself to retrieve her fingers. Then I felt slightly creepy. Who gets this much pleasure out of having their babies fingers and hand awkwardly shoved into their mouth? Still, if she had not declared a retreat, I would have stayed that way all night and woken up this morning with her whole hand in my my mouth and been very happy about it. (And this reminds me of when I was newly married. I tried very hard to fall asleep holding Ryan's pinky and to wake up in the same position the next morning... holding pinkies. This of course did not work, but in my young-in-love-mind, this was a dream worth chasing. Oh the days when marriage was that simple...)

She devoured four ounces of milk and when she was done, she burrowed down into my chest and smiled and purred her way back to sleep. I rocked her for thirty more minutes just so I could be with her, could feel her, could hold her close to me.

This was one of the best moments of my life. Simple. Pure. Beautiful. Divine.

***

I think we have taken what was supposed to be rather simple, pure, beautiful, and divine and we have complicated, darkened, tarnished, and broken it: God, that is. More specifically, God's church.

The song, What Do I Know of Holy, does not just resonate with you Rebecca, or with you Renee, or with the few others who have posted comments about the song on this forum... but rather it has resonated with so many, many people in so many parts of the world. I believe this song works because people long to know and love God in a deeper way than our churches and religious traditions are giving them an opportunity to do so through. People are tired of religion.

This song says, don't give me God in a box; give me the Holy of Holies, the Creator, the unknowable, unfathomable Savior whom angels worship and rocks cry out to, who made the ocean and knows how many grains of sand are on its beaches, who made possible a way for all things to be redeemed and made new, who loves infinitely. I want that.

***

The shortfalls of religion and the church have been written on and discussed ad nauseum. Books abound on why people love God but hate the church; why the church is ineffective, intolerant, inefficient, and incongruent with the life of Jesus.

So you think things would be changing. And yet, I find that many of the churches we visit (over 100 different churches a year) are still spitting out the same washed up, empty, judgemental, boxey, passionless messages and programs. Aaagghhh. The word "program" in connection with church makes me want to pull my hair out. (Cause programs for "church members" was exactly what Jesus was all about, huh?)

***

Some examples? For the first time ever I actually heard a sermon recently that digressed into telling the mainly 7th-9th grade audience that our country was a short step away from socialism. Which he then compared to communism. This was preceded by telling the students how many of their friends and future husbands and wives had been murdered by abortion during the years they were born. This political tirade given by a college president to a group of vulnerable students was a tragic use of power in the pulpit. Instead of teaching scripture, encouraging students to draw near to God, to learn from the life and words of Jesus, or helping them practically understand how any of those things can look in their everyday lives... he used God's house to push his political agenda.

Follow me from that night in an Independent Baptist church in Texas to a recent night in Iowa when I had dinner with three girls who were all members of Christian Reformed, Lutheran, and Episcopalian denominations. After talking for a while about girl things, I asked them to tell me about their churches. What are they like? How do they shape your lives? What do the worship and sermons mean to you each week?

They looked at me like I was asking them to find the square root of 2,345,768 (And by the way, I have no idea if there is a square root for that. I have no idea how to find square roots. I have no idea what a square root is.).

So I asked them a more simple question, "Well then, why do you go to church?"

Their answer? Because we always have. I finally got them to acknowledge that the best part of church for them was the community, the people who had been a part of their lives since the nursery. And while I was happy they had found love and joy in the community there, I was heartbroken that for them, church was a community center; not a place where they fell more in love with Jesus, were drawn closer to God, or developed in any way spiritually. No wonder their faces were blank during worship and they barely moved their mouths to sing.

Those are two extreme examples.

***

The more common examples? We led worship at a more traditional church recently and eight people got up and left. Too loud? I'm a female worship leader? They weren't interested in that style of music? I'm not sure. But this was not what they wanted... so they left. At least they were honest. The other several hundred people who were there just stared at us, never worshipping themselves, but apparently just taking in a nice show.

And we run into this all the time. The church should break into Hollywood... I've never seen so many good actors in my life. So many people faking it. Going through the motions. Dead in the pews. And worse, tepidly mildewed and green around the edges of their souls. Not quite rotten, not nearly alive, just a murky, still water infested with mosquitoes. Yikes. Why go to church people??? Stay at home. Sleep in. Go for a nice run in the park and end up at a cool coffee shop and read the Sunday morning newspaper. Sometimes I think the best thing for a lot of churches would be a freak tornado that comes down only to take the walls of the building away... because then what? Would anyone choose to rebuild?

Church is supposed to be about God. And community. But mostly a group of people in love with Christ first, passionately chasing after a new way of living, finding a new way to be human, and then stumbling into a beautiful community of other people who are following the same way.

What we all to often have are social and political clubs, that at best, function like fun-loving senior centers and inclusive PTA's and fraternities who sometimes have members who sometimes have moments in God's presence while sometimes attending their events.

***

Ok, ok. I'll let up before some of you go getting too pessimistic and tell your pastor that the Christian singer told you to quit church. There are three positives that readily come to mind when I think of the condition of the church.

One. This is nothing new. "Church" "religion" and groups of Christ followers have been screwing up for years. The Israelites. The Catholic crusades. The Christians who stood by and participated in the Holocaust. The TV evangelists. The materialistically, exclusive churches in the rich suburbs. And the bigoted, hateful churches of the south. And the thousands of churches and denominations (in all corners of the world) living between the extremes who blithely exist simply because... you know, that's what they've always done. Everyone is Greek Orthodox. Everyone is Catholic. Everyone goes to community group. Everyone sits through communion. Everyone goes to church camp at least once.

Whether it is the church functioning as the murderers or as the funeral home, I take hope in the fact that we are not the first generation to reduce God's community of followers to such low lows. History repeats itself.

Second positive I see? History does not have to repeat itself.

Third positive I see? Beyond the churches that are doing harm or doing nothing; there is another kind of church. I have seen it. With my own eyes. I have seen it in California. I saw it in the Netherlands. I have seen it in Chicago. I saw it once in an amazing worship service in Slovakia. My friends have seen it in Congo. And it is happening in small churches and communities across the country. I see it brewing in my own church. There is a movement of people, faith communities, cities, even some nations who are passionately rejecting religion for the sake of religion and desperately seeking God's face.

There are bands like the Parachute Band from New Zealand who are not interested in being on the radio (even though they are incredibly talented, marketable, guys who could make a lot of money off of it) but instead are genuinely seeking to introduce God and worship to as many people as possible.

LifeTeen through the Catholic church who are, in so many inventive ways, leading students into developing their own meaningful relationships with Christ.

The Emergent Village, The Simple Way, Rob Bell, Beth Moore, Rick Warren... the list goes on and on. The church universal has glimmers of authentic Christ-centered passion, beauty, and hope. Perhaps more than the church has ever had.

***

Rick Warren says this about the church on his website:

"The Church is everywhere in the world.
There are villages that have little else,
but they do have a church."


And he continues, "The Church is the most magnificent concept ever created. It has survived persistent abuse, horrifying persecution, and widespread neglect. Yet despite its faults (due to our sinfulness), it is still God’s chosen instrument of blessing and has been for 2,000 years.

The Church will last for eternity, and because it is God’s instrument for ministry here on Earth, it is truly the greatest force on the face of the Earth. That’s why I believe tackling the world’s biggest problems – the giants of spiritual lostness, egocentric leadership, poverty, disease, and ignorance – can only be done through the Church."

Simple. Pure. Beautiful. Divine.

Whether your church has ten people or ten thousand... it is God's instrument. To go in and out of a "church building" each week without experiencing God (sometimes without even trying to or even caring whether we do), without engaging with the Holy of Holies, without connecting and journeying with others on a personal, meaningful, spiritual level (not just: how was your week, what do you think about the Cowboys? pray for my dog), and without passionately aspiring to God beyond the walls, color, creed, and safety of our own churches to be an agent of change in the world is a tragic misuse of God's house. Tragic.

And I see it all too often.

***

So my question today on Tough Topic Tuesday is to... Honestly evaluate your chosen place of worship. Your church.

Shane Claiborne says in his book The Irresistible Revolution that too many people complain about the church yet do nothing to fix it. So he endeavored to stop complaining and start acting. That left him homeless, on the streets, living with tons of other people, sharing his food, his car, his bed, his health insurance, and now he has written a book about it all and continues to be a part of the change that I believe God so desperately wants to see: Christians who actually have passion for Him.

So the real question I pose for myself and for you today is this... what are we doing to fix it? Not the staff, not the politics, not the carpet, the worship style, or the gossiping divas that the church would be so much better without.

No.

What are we doing to be a part of, to encourage, to initiate, to demand, to usher in the spiritual hunger and thirst for Christ himself in our churches?

And if we are doing nothing to this end, if you are doing nothing to this end... then why go?

I Love the Netherlands

Cupcakes in Amsterdam? Yes! Amazing cupcakes made by Dan the Cookie Man. If you are ever in the area, you must track down this quaint little cupcake and cookie oasis for the fluffiest butter cream frosting in the world! If you read this Dan... so nice to meet you. Thanks for the great little cupcake.

Walking the streets of Amsterdam.

Cafe picture. One of about ten thousand cafes. And every cafe serves beer. And they are not kidding around in this place. People are drinking the beer by about, um, 10 a.m. I opted out of beer and went straight for the little tiny dutch apple pancakes. The best little things I have ever eaten.

Traffic Jam?

Twice a year the city shuts down one of the canals, builds a huge stage on the water, and puts on a free concert by the Amsterdam Symphony and Orchestra. We just happened to be in town on that one Saturday night. Amazing timing. All the boats jam in for an up close encounter and the rest of the concert-goers pack in the streets and sidewalks with blankets, wine, cheese, and pastries. When the music started everyone was quiet. Respectful. When the concert was over I don't think I saw any litter anywhere. And I never once felt like I might get killed by a thug. Quite the different experience than a big, free, city-wide Dallas event. It was a perfect night.

My brother-n-law Riley and his fiance Claire met us for a few days. Claire is currently serving with the Peace Corp in Ukraine, just had her first article published in the Wall Street Journal, and loves Mexican food as much as I do. I'm not sure about Riley, but Claire and I were made for each other! And yes, those are tortilla chips. And yes, we did find amazing Mexican food in Amsterdam.

Brothers.

The best festival we have ever played at! Thank you so much Flevo Festival for having us as your guests. These pics were taken by Henk-Jan van der Klis... thanks so much for the amazing photos.


We had such a wonderful time with our new Dutch friends! Seriously these are fun-loving, music-loving, genuinely lovely people and we were so glad to make new friends and fans. There are thoughts and stories to come, but for now, hope you enjoy the pics. I cannot wait to get home and see my little squirrel... only ten more hours.

Personal Q&A

From Helen: Where did Pam get the HAT!? What is your favorite song on the radio right now?
 What is your all time favorite movie?

Pam got the hat at a boutique in DC. The hat almost lost its life in the dryer last night but survived with only a few bumps and bruises. Now, the hat is on my head in the Heathrow International Airport in London, England. Favorite song on the radio right now would have to be the theme song for the sports radio station that I listen to. At the start of football season, I don’t listen to much music. ☺ Finally, I have three all time favorite movies. It’s A Wonderful Life. Field of Dreams. And Apollo 13. And Good Will Hunting. OK, I have four favorite movies. I don’t really watch a lot of movies, but those are flicks I have watched over and over and over again. They never get old. I always cry through all four of them. Awe. Makes me happy just thinking about them.

From Meagan Joye: So from one Texas girl to another- Dallas Cowboys= Superbowl, Yes??

Dear Meagan Joye, I wish. The Cowboys will go to the Superbowl again one day, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen this year. All the same, I will dress Annie in her cowboys uniform before every game for good luck!

From Vulnerable Silence: Did you actually attend Fuge Camp growing up?

Yep, I actually went to Fuge camps and loved them. Though I have to confess I was not the best camper. My mom was my youth pastor growing up and every year she’d take about 200 of us to camp and lay down the law: no camp hook-ups. Well, one year I walked into her room, told her that I had fallen in love with a boy four years older than me from a different state, and informed her that my week’s mission was to kiss him. Let’s just say I broke camp rules that year.

Do you have a Facebook or Myspace?

No Facebook. No Myspace. And just barely on Twitter. I’m what you call an old foggie. Just e-mail and phone for me. And let’s be honest, I’m about 200 e-mails behind. So that’s not quite reliable either. I put a great deal of time into my friends, church, and family when I am home. Between that and being on the road, I don’t have much time for anything else. And it’s a good thing. I might become obsessed with eavesdropping on people’s lives. Or I might track down some of the cheerleaders who were terribly hateful to me in high school and launch smear campaigns. See, I am simply not mature enough to enter Cyberworld. I'm keepin it old school.

From hm347349: What are some of your favorite bands?



I LOVE The Fray, Mat Kearney, Augustana, U2, Kanye West, Toby Mac, Robby Seay Band, Justin Timberlake, and Phil Wickham. When I listen to girl singers it’s usually R&B. Alicia Keys. Natasha Beddingfield. The Sister Act soundtrack! Heck Yea Branflake! And as strange and backwards as it may sound, I’m really not that into music. If I get new music it’s because the guys force it upon me. Otherwise, I am content to listen to the same old songs I love over and over again. On average, I spend $15 a year on music. Yikes. Don’t tell anyone.

From Shae and Ashley: How did you and Ryan meet? What did you do for your first date?

My husband and I met at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. I was on a dating hiatus. I had just gotten out of a relationship with the guy I was convinced I was going to marry. He broke up with me and I was heart broken. I knew I needed a break from men. My sophomore year was to be dedicated to my studies (yeah, right) and making better girlfriends. Then I met Ryan. He had these big baby blue eyes. I wasn’t interested. I met him twice but never could remember his name; but I remembered his eyes. We were in an organization together and ended up talking all night at a lock-in. He says he knew that night he wanted to marry me. It took me much, much longer. He said he was attracted to me because I was the only girl, or person for that matter, that went back for seconds… and then thirds. It was homemade chicken spaghetti y’all. What college kid doesn’t devour that?

Apparently I ate more than any girl he had ever seen and this was cute. Great, that's exactly the reason you want to be noticed. Not… Oh, she’s beautiful. Oh, she’s funny. Oh, she is stunning. Oh, she's kind. But: Dang, that girl eats a lot.

Anyways, after three plates of spaghetti and hours of talking he asked me to go on a date with him the next morning. And after our first date, I turned him down for a second date.

He was cute, but those blue eyes were too intense for me. I needed time to myself. He was not a part of my plan. I wasn’t sure what my plan was, but he wasn’t in it. But he persisted. Showed up at the apartment one day with soup when I was sick. Waited around after some of my classes. Called every few day to see what I was doing… you know the bit, and pretty soon I was having to come up with more and more lies about why I couldn’t see him. And then, well, then he broke me. I had no more good reasons to tell him no, so I said yes. By January we were madly in love. We got engaged the next Christmas (which is also when we went to Nashville to make our first album). And we got married that summer. August 10th. We just celebrated our seven-year anniversary. The rest is history or history in the making I suppose.

At the end of the day...

IMG_1646.jpg
The only pic I really have of the "hair-cut." I did them layers all by myself...golly.

That's my kid laid out on the couch in a random Starbucks in Indianapolis.

This is me laid out in the back seat of the car somewhere random in Indianapolis. Thanks babe. Flattering, really.

And honestly, that sort of sums up my life the last few days. Utter exhaustion. There's really no need to say more. To expound on the airports, the shows, the sweltering 99 degree weather and the melty baby, the car rides, van rides, the three outfits lost to poop (not mine... hers, I promise), the 12 a.m. fire alarm that sent me, the baby, and apparently some sort of senior citizens reunion out of the hotel and into the parking lot in our pj's, the lost purse, the frantic search through every shopping cart in the Target parking lot first thing this morning, the ensuing "why do you lose things fight" with my husband (as if I made a conscious decision, "I think I will leave my purse today, I am so tired of it, be lost purse! Be lost!") the tears, the four month old baby shots and the baby who looked at me like I sold her on the black market, and the purse, that, yea... was hanging on the back of the kitchen table chair when I got home.

There is no need to go there. Oh, and did I mention that I leave for Amsterdam tomorrow? She only thinks I betrayed her today, acting all happy when I knew that she was about to have six needles shoved into her legs. Wait until I leave her with grandma and then not show up for another five days.

I left her with grandma in the bookstore for five minutes and this is the conversation I come back to:

That's right! That monkey looks like my uncle Bernie. Yes! My uncle Bernie! You can't meet him cause he's dead. Yep, he's dead. Poor uncle Bernie. He was a simple man. He stepped out in front of a bus. But, yep, he looked just like this monkey. Yes he did!

Annie was literally laughing out loud.

Earlier in the day I happened upon this conversation:

No, we don't kill whales. No we don't! We love whales. We ride whales! Yes we do! We ride whales. And you can ride whales too. Like the little girl who was a whale rider. She wasn't a good for nothing girl like her dad said. No she wasn't. She was a whale rider. And you can be an Annie whale rider. You can ride whales all around the world.

I mean, good Lord, who knows what stories she might hear before I get home?

***
So Grandma is here from Albuquerque. I am not packed yet. And I feel frazzled. Not stressed. But frazzled. When you are stressed you have the emotional capability of knowing that there are things you need to get done. When you are frazzled you can't really even wrap your mind around what needs to be done next. I sort of feel like I have been hit by a train. One of those really fast trains that they make in Japan.

And I know Annie will be fine. Happy. Perfect. And well-fed! She won't even mention it in therapy twenty years from now. But I am convinced it is terrible. I think it is just terrible for me. Oh the angst of having a little person that you call your own.

***
Totally tubular tough topic Tuesday has not been abandoned. Never fear. I've decided this is an every other week segment. Uses a lot of brain juice. Brain juice, upon college graduation, is rationed. Twice a month. That sounds about right.

***
Ever the procrastinator. The girl who freezes under pressure and revolts against deadlines. Suffering from a serious disease of timely follow-through... I still plan on answering all of the questions you asked.

In the tumble and swirl of the last few days there have been harder things too. Deeper things. If you peel back a few layers you would see anger. Loneliness. A serious case of envy. Arguing with Ryan. Exhaustion. Inadequacy. A bit of emptiness.

This made me think of the question that Cavelle asked a few weeks ago.

I've been struggling lately with my faith, just ready to give up and let go. I'm literally hanging on by a thread. How do you, hold on to your faith, when there are so many situations being thrown at you, and you don't know what to do?

Oh sweet girl. If I could just give you a hug. You are not alone. We all hang on by a thread from time to time. Literally just hanging there, hoping a wind will brush by and blow us off so we don't have to fight anymore, so we don't have to keep hanging on by the tips of our fingernails.

So what do you do?

You let go.

You don't hold onto your faith, your faith holds on to you.

Let me be more clear. You do not hold onto God. God holds onto you.

So you can let go now.

I think the point of our struggles is not that we are strong enough to fight and survive alone. It's not a test of our faith to see if we have the willpower to chose God when everything in this world screams at us to chose despair, bitterness, anger, loneliness, and disbelief. Struggles are not a cruel experiment to see if you can keep holding on. Struggles illuminate the fact that we cannot hold on.

We let go. And it is there, in our weakness, brokenness, exhaustion, and pain that God is ever present. That Jesus says give me your burdens and I will simply give you peace in return. It is there, Andrea, that the words of scripture most speak to me.

Fear not, I have redeemed you and I have called you by name. When you walk through the waters, I will be with you. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. Isaiah 43.

You will not be alone, you will not drown, you will not be burned. Why? Because you held on for dear life? Because somehow you were able to make it yourself in the midst of your pain? No. Because you have been redeemed by a God who knows you, loves you, and basically says... let go. Because He says, when the fire hits, I will be there to shield you. When the water is raging around you and you are holding onto the branch for dear life and it snaps...

You will not drown. There will be a life raft.

Not because you made it but because God values you, loves you, and cares so deeply for you, for me, for us that He has never abandoned humanity. He is with us. (Psalms 139. Another favorite).

Of course we fight. You cannot give up. I cannot give up. As much as I wanted to just get in a car today and drive to a beautiful beach in Mexico, I could not.

I have met many people with life stories that are so painful they seem like pages out of a fiction book. They simply don't compare to my exhaustion, lost purse, and temporary marital squabbles. Yet, these people surprise me with their endurance. They fight. They don't quit. They wake up each morning and breath and get out of bed and choose life. Time and time again they endure because they know at the end of the day, when they can no longer fight, can no longer keep it together, can longer hang on, they know...

Someone is there to catch them.

They let go. And the mysterious presence of God finds them, surrounds them, holds them up, and brings peace into their despair.

***
Yesterday God held me up. I was in the prayer room at my church and before I knew it, I was sound asleep. I woke up knowing that those moments of rest were given to me. My fingers finally grew tired, they let go, and then there I was... being cared for.

It has happened today too. Through people. Through my mom. Through another mysterious nap. Through a song.

God is hear. Calling me to lay down the anger. To rest. Giving me peace where my patience has worn thin. Surrounding me with love when I am quite unlovable. And helping me surrender my struggle for survival. He is near. And now, at 12:10 when I will finally say good-bye to this long, trying day, I can sleep in peace because I know that on my own today would've sent me over the edge. But I was not on my own. Neither will I be tomorrow. After the anger, the temper, the frustration, the exhaustion, the _________ it's almost like I heard a voice.

Are you done yet Child? Good. Now let go of it. Let's start again. And I did.