Today I...

Cut my own hair with my arts-n-crafts scissors. Yeah...I took off a little more than I intended. And no, I have no idea how to cut hair. And yes, I am celebrating the recession by learning. And no, this time did not go so well. And yes, I believe that practice will make perfect... that is if Ryan doesn't kill me first. He thinks my hair-cutting-episodes are, and I quote: disaster.

Taught Annie Boo how to sit up. 

Almost. 

I also dressed her in these pajamas that are entirely too big for her because I can no longer resist. They are so stinking cute. And really, why should I have to suffer because my 4-month-old, eleven pound baby does not fit into any of her 4-month-old clothes?  Is it my fault she is so tiny that most women utter a small gasp when they find out she is not an infant? And why do they do this gaspy thing? She is wide eyed and bushy tailed. What kind of weird infant is alert and babbling? Have they had real babies? Of course she's not a newborn. And don't they know their comments freak me out? What is wrong with your baby??? She is freakishly small!

But, do not be concerned. I took her to the doctor two weeks ago and when she asked me why we came in, I said, "well, look at her... there's something not right." To which she replied, "She's just petite, you tell all those other moms their babies are just big headed." Then she tried to leave the room, as if that were all I needed to hear. Seriously? That's something my mom would say after a bully hurt my feelings. That is not medical. I want big words and worst case scenarios. I want the red book medical diagnosis.  I have already paid my $25 co-pay. I want $25 worth of work done. 

So I had her inspect everything. 

Her ears. Her nose. The strange white-ish lump on her ribs. The suspiciously soft spot on her head. Her teeth or lack there-of.  And her spine. It feels lopsided to me. 

***

Today I worked on song lyrics for the new album. We sat down with two songs that were completely written and made some small tweaks. It took five hours. Five hours. I wanted to poke my eyeballs out. Travis and Ryan Gregg were teetering on the edge of a mental break-down. And then, when we were stuck on one line, one word, one terrible, pesky little word... we saw an ant crawl into my computer. Then another. And another. 

The guys were convinced I was hiding food in my lap or perhaps, in my computer. They went on with this little joke for quite a while. Comparing me to the splunky junior high kid that hides a nasty stash of Cheetos, Little Debbies, and a Mountain Dew in their sleeping bag to eat after "lights out." I am a lady. Not cookie monster. They did not agree. 

Then I saw the ants crawling on Ryan's computer. I am sure this is where they originated. I called him a germ. Ryan, that is, not the ants. Germ. That's what I called him the rest of the day. We talked about how we hated ants and wondered what purpose they serve. Took a 10 minute sunshine break. And then pressed on... for two more hours. 

***

So glad you guys are fans of Tough Topic Tuesdays. I loved reading your responses... and I am already working on next week. If you haven't taken a minute to read people's thoughts, I encourage you to do so. It's like going to school. For free. I already feel smarter. Really. This is great. Happy Thursday. 

Tough Topic Tuesday

Tough Topic Tuesday- "Laughing With"

I love this song. I first heard it playing in the halls of my church a few weeks ago. The words are haunting. Regina Spektor has always incorporated scriptural and spiritual themes throughout her music, but she never tells you to believe one way or the other; instead I think her art begs the listeners to think for themselves. And this song definitely stirred up the think tank.

When I found the song on YouTube I noticed it had been viewed nearly 500,000 times (denoting that whether you like her or the song, it is culturally relevant, she is impacting people one way or the other) and there were already well over 3,000 comments. A debate was broiling. What does the song mean? Is it for Christians? Is it for Atheists? Can it be for both? What does it mean that we are all laughing with God? What does it say about God’s character? What does it say about humanity? You can read some of their comments below.

Of course there are always people who want to pick a fight or prove a point, but the vast majority of comments seemed well thought out. And the comments intrigued me. The more I read, the more engrossed I got. Page after page I read people’s thoughts on God, religion, and humanity. I felt like an audience member for a Dr. Phil taping. I felt like a sociologist doing cross-cultural research. Then, slowly, I felt like a believer in Jesus who was simply eavesdropping on a conversation someone was having about me. I was listening in as someone talked about me. About my savior. About my way of life.

For a moment I was shell-shocked. I forget that my beliefs are quite alien and foreign. I forget that not everyone believes the way I believe. I forget that many people have many reasons to denounce that which I have committed myself to. I, the lover of diversity and freedom of choice, was momentarily overwhelmed by how detached from reality I have really become. I’ve been walking around with my head in the clouds; there is a huge, huge world out there.

If you have been raised in an evangelical background, like myself, you were taught that people were either “Saved” or “Unsaved.” Then we got politically correct and decided that it was a slap in the face to tell someone they were “lost” or unsaved, so we changed it to “seekers.” Now, I am not sure what the PC term is, but I know this, if I were on the other side of things, the only label I would want would be human, friend, or person. Being known as unsaved or lost would inherently mean that I was a project to those around me, a thing to be converted, or an object to be won and changed.

And while I love that God has called me to be a part of His love and work in the world, it is He who labels, He who changes, He who authors true conversion… if He does that through me because I have been a friend, because I have loved, because I have been honest and real with those around me, then may it be so. But I can only confess that He alone knows a man’s heart and truly saves that which is lost, broken, and hurting.

I do pray for sensitivity. Not because I am not brave enough or bold enough to share what God has done in my life. Not because I am ashamed of what I believe. Not because I believe that it is wrong to share my beliefs… I choose sensitivity because a person’s faith, their spirituality, and the messy business of knowing and following Christ is quite the journey. In my experience it’s not as easy as a simple prayer and I certainly did not choose to follow Christ out of the fear of hell. A pamphlet or “track” would not have done the trick, nor would a strange person walking up to me in the mall asking private questions about my soul. Forcing God on people has clearly not worked.

So my question today is: In a world full of real people, with real beliefs, real pain, real joy, real life… what relevant role can a Christian play in the spiritual journey of another human?

That’s the sort of question that I must wrestle with. Today I am reminded, not everyone speaks my language.

“Laughing With” YouTube Comments:
(please note: UNCENSORED comments)

"I understand what Epowerboy means when he says he doesn't want to be saved. I think he means he doesn't need to be saved because there is nothing to be saved from. Saved from sin? A sin is a sin only if you believe in those sins. They mean nothing to a non-believer. Many people lead good lives without the need for a God or religious guidelines."

"This song is powerful. Its meaning is so deep because it's not trying to tell you a specific answer about who God is, but simply pointing out something all of us can completely agree with and understand: that we as humans are beings of such limited scope and control over our circumstances. There are times in our lives when we are humbled by the vastness of creation -- by it's beauty and its sorrow. And this tells us something about The Creator."

"I laugh at all those moments with the mention of gods. I'm facing down the barrel of a shortened life of continued levels of pain, and I am laughing right now at this song, at the idea of gods, right at this moment. Just because something feels nice, doesn't make it any less a delusional idea. Just because something is comforting, doesn't make it true. It would be nice if clouds were made of ice cream too, but so what? It's childish, it's wishful thinking. It's just sad."

"In reference to the person who said, “All you idiots who don’t believe are going to hell.” A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another," John 13: 34-35. If you, yourself, believe you are a Christian you would present such a statement with more grace. You should be ashamed of the way you said this; Christ would not have done so. Grow up, read your Bible."

"This song is a cheap shot to all the people who find religion in desperation. It would be like making a song about how No one thanks god when their child is born with a disability. Regina has one thing right though - God really isn't funny because A - he doesn't exist, and B - if by some chance he did exist and all the things attributed to him were true, he'd be the most sinister bastard in the Universe."

"I don't see this song as anti-religious at all. Half is the old, "There are no atheists in foxholes," idea, which I agree with. The other half is a comment on the kind of shallow (and yes, laughable) faith that reduces God to Jiminy Cricket, a Genie and Santa Claus. Not all Christians see God so small, or simplistically, but the ones who do will likely find the song offensive. Faith and belief are complex. This song illustrates that beautifully. I was simultaneously moved and convicted by it."

"I think this song is beautiful satire at the idea that while a person whom is going thro a traumatic moment may ask "God, why me?" and not even have tobelieve in any god at all; and yet, when things are working fine or one is better off, the idea of a being controlling fate may become a humorous reflection. In the end, though, we're all laughing at our helplessness, whether we believe or not. I don't believe, just for the record."

Tough Topic Tuesday

Tough Topic Tuesday- "Laughing With"

I love this song. I first heard it playing in the halls of my church a few weeks ago. The words are haunting. Regina Spektor has always incorporated scriptural and spiritual themes throughout her music, but she never tells you to believe one way or the other; instead I think her art begs the listeners to think for themselves. And this song definitely stirred up the think tank.

When I found the song on YouTube I noticed it had been viewed nearly 500,000 times (denoting that whether you like her or the song, it is culturally relevant, she is impacting people one way or the other) and there were already well over 3,000 comments. A debate was broiling. What does the song mean? Is it for Christians? Is it for Atheists? Can it be for both? What does it mean that we are all laughing with God? What does it say about God’s character? What does it say about humanity? You can read some of their comments below.

Of course there are always people who want to pick a fight or prove a point, but the vast majority of comments seemed well thought out. And the comments intrigued me. The more I read, the more engrossed I got. Page after page I read people’s thoughts on God, religion, and humanity. I felt like an audience member for a Dr. Phil taping. I felt like a sociologist doing cross-cultural research. Then, slowly, I felt like a believer in Jesus who was simply eavesdropping on a conversation someone was having about me. I was listening in as someone talked about me. About my savior. About my way of life.

For a moment I was shell-shocked. I forget that my beliefs are quite alien and foreign. I forget that not everyone believes the way I believe. I forget that many people have many reasons to denounce that which I have committed myself to. I, the lover of diversity and freedom of choice, was momentarily overwhelmed by how detached from reality I have really become. I’ve been walking around with my head in the clouds; there is a huge, huge world out there.

If you have been raised in an evangelical background, like myself, you were taught that people were either “Saved” or “Unsaved.” Then we got politically correct and decided that it was a slap in the face to tell someone they were “lost” or unsaved, so we changed it to “seekers.” Now, I am not sure what the PC term is, but I know this, if I were on the other side of things, the only label I would want would be human, friend, or person. Being known as unsaved or lost would inherently mean that I was a project to those around me, a thing to be converted, or an object to be won and changed.

And while I love that God has called me to be a part of His love and work in the world, it is He who labels, He who changes, He who authors true conversion… if He does that through me because I have been a friend, because I have loved, because I have been honest and real with those around me, then may it be so. But I can only confess that He alone knows a man’s heart and truly saves that which is lost, broken, and hurting.

I do pray for sensitivity. Not because I am not brave enough or bold enough to share what God has done in my life. Not because I am ashamed of what I believe. Not because I believe that it is wrong to share my beliefs… I choose sensitivity because a person’s faith, their spirituality, and the messy business of knowing and following Christ is quite the journey. In my experience it’s not as easy as a simple prayer and I certainly did not choose to follow Christ out of the fear of hell. A pamphlet or “track” would not have done the trick, nor would a strange person walking up to me in the mall asking private questions about my soul. Forcing God on people has clearly not worked.

So my question today is: In a world full of real people, with real beliefs, real pain, real joy, real life… what relevant role can a Christian play in the spiritual journey of another human?

That’s the sort of question that I must wrestle with. Today I am reminded, not everyone speaks my language.

“Laughing With” YouTube Comments:
(please note: UNCENSORED comments)

"I understand what Epowerboy means when he says he doesn't want to be saved. I think he means he doesn't need to be saved because there is nothing to be saved from. Saved from sin? A sin is a sin only if you believe in those sins. They mean nothing to a non-believer. Many people lead good lives without the need for a God or religious guidelines."

"This song is powerful. Its meaning is so deep because it's not trying to tell you a specific answer about who God is, but simply pointing out something all of us can completely agree with and understand: that we as humans are beings of such limited scope and control over our circumstances. There are times in our lives when we are humbled by the vastness of creation -- by it's beauty and its sorrow. And this tells us something about The Creator."

"I laugh at all those moments with the mention of gods. I'm facing down the barrel of a shortened life of continued levels of pain, and I am laughing right now at this song, at the idea of gods, right at this moment. Just because something feels nice, doesn't make it any less a delusional idea. Just because something is comforting, doesn't make it true. It would be nice if clouds were made of ice cream too, but so what? It's childish, it's wishful thinking. It's just sad."

"In reference to the person who said, “All you idiots who don’t believe are going to hell.” A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another," John 13: 34-35. If you, yourself, believe you are a Christian you would present such a statement with more grace. You should be ashamed of the way you said this; Christ would not have done so. Grow up, read your Bible."

"This song is a cheap shot to all the people who find religion in desperation. It would be like making a song about how No one thanks god when their child is born with a disability. Regina has one thing right though - God really isn't funny because A - he doesn't exist, and B - if by some chance he did exist and all the things attributed to him were true, he'd be the most sinister bastard in the Universe."

"I don't see this song as anti-religious at all. Half is the old, "There are no atheists in foxholes," idea, which I agree with. The other half is a comment on the kind of shallow (and yes, laughable) faith that reduces God to Jiminy Cricket, a Genie and Santa Claus. Not all Christians see God so small, or simplistically, but the ones who do will likely find the song offensive. Faith and belief are complex. This song illustrates that beautifully. I was simultaneously moved and convicted by it."

"I think this song is beautiful satire at the idea that while a person whom is going thro a traumatic moment may ask "God, why me?" and not even have to believe in any god at all; and yet, when things are working fine or one is better off, the idea of a being controlling fate may become a humorous reflection. In the end, though, we're all laughing at our helplessness, whether we believe or not. I don't believe, just for the record."

Something New Is Brewing...

Thank you for the encouragement. I had no idea there were so many blurkers out there! It really is an honor to be your friend, to speak into your lives, and to listen to your thoughts in response. It gives me great joy and I am glad it brings a smile to your face too. Just so you know, I have not forgotten about answering your questions or filling you in on Elda (thank you for the gift card Eileen in California), they are both coming.

Over the next few weeks I am going to be changing up, enhancing if you will, this little blog-o-home. Nothing drastic, same content, just some things I've been diddle-daddling with in my head. Some sprucing up. Spring cleaning? Fall tidying? The once-a-year re-arranging of the furniture (You know. When you feel utterly bored with your home and can't afford to buy anything new so you just re-arrange every little thing, bask in its newness for a day, and then decide the next day that it is utterly awful but you have no energy to go back and fix the disaster that came from your discontentedness?). Whatever you want to call it, something new is coming. Even if I just change the colors up a bit!

Ryan has decided I must start a blog-podcast. Apparently I am dramatic. I don't think that's a very nice thing to tell someone. All the same, I'm dramatic and he says that sometimes the "italics" just don't capture the way I say it out loud to him. So, if you are truly bored or on the run... in the very near future, you will be able to listen to some of the blogs through a podcast. Don't get too excited. I once had a sixth grade boy find me after worship only to say, "Wow. You sound like a girl on stage, but you sort of have a man's voice off stage." Oh. Beautiful, stupid children.

And I have decided it's time for me to start thinking again. Yes, my brain has been on the back-burner as my mom skills have been developing themselves. I love history. I love politics. I love international affairs. I love human diversity whether it comes in the form of religion, culture, ethnicity, or whether you are a "cat" person or "dog" person; a glass half-full or half-empty gal, or a "red" or "blue" state person. I love the things that make us different. And I highly value the freedom we have as Americans to make our own choices, think our own thoughts, and freely discourse with those around us on any subject matter without fear of repercussion.

To that end, today I am introducing a new segment on the blog... Tough Topic Tuesdays.

Hot topics if you will. Watch-out Tuesdays, I'm putting on my thinking cap.

From religion to quotes, spirituality to politics, current events to global problems, Tuesday will be the day to go a bit deeper. My only request? Speak freely in the comment section, but do so without hate. Agree. Disagree. Or just be a blurker :) But be respectful... lashing out is no way to make a point.

So, without further ado, I give you Tough Topic Tuesdays. I look forward to hearing what you think.

Always Two Steps Behind

I have long lived with the stigma that I am two awkward steps behind the rest of the world. 

Case in point: I was under the impression that Coldplay's most recent album was X&Y.  I have been jamming out to this album for months now. OK, many, many months.  I have spent numerous sweaty, puzzled moments on the treadmill wondering if they were ever going to release something new. Apparently they released a new album in 2008 that has gone quadruple platinum. Good job guys. Way to go. 

Upon realizing that I had missed an entire album, Ryan looked at me with a puzzled and slightly irritated face, "Really Jen?" 

He's convinced that I'm living on another planet. 

And I have to admit, sometimes I feel like I am. 

Today, I feel really behind. 

***

I am currently experiencing a furry of joyous blog-mania. It occurred to me the other night that maybe my true calling in life was to be a writer. A blogger in particular. This joins a long list of other would-be contenders for the role of jenny's official career. I have also been convinced that I was created to be a professional whistler, voice-animator, board-game developer, photographer, airport greeter, high-school history teacher, motivational speaker, food critic with a speciality in cupcakes, and a talk-show host. Now, I am quite sure my real calling is to be a blogger. 

I told Ryan this with the same excitement I had in the sixth grade when I told my dad that I thought I heard God tell me during the Sunday morning worship service that I was going to travel the world whistling songs for people until their hearts melted and tears streamed down their faces. I was sure it was God's voice. I saw some sort of light, apparition, and I knew.  A whistler. My heart was so satisfied that a smile broke out across my face for the rest of the morning.  Don't know about the rest of you suckers... but God has given me a calling. It was an internal victory.

My dad's response was something like, "Won't you pass out after a few songs? I'm not sure you'd have enough oxygen to make it through an entire concert of whistling." 

Ryan's response was something like, "Lots of people blog," with a smile on his face. 

***

My dad and Ryan are my advocates, so their responses were not mean spirited. The truth is, they are practical and I am not. They are well-calculated and balanced and I am not. They work under some measure of reason and control, and I do not. 

Still, once my mind is made up, I go for it. With all my heart, with everything out there, I go for it. All in. 

So a few days ago I decided my new career was going to be a professional blogger. This, my friends, was a revolutionary idea in my head. What a brilliant concept! A professional blogger! Whoever thought of such a thing? I will go where no woman has gone before. I will pave a trail into the wild unknown of on-line life sharing. I will build an on-line community. I will even have different sections on my blog about different topics and different aspects of life. People from all over the country and the world will come to this place, this oasis, and their lives will be a bit better because of it. This is going to be amazing. Amazing! I can't believe I thought of this. Brilliant!

That's when I got an e-mail from a girl in my church about a new blog called (in)courage.

An amazing blog with the 20 best female mom bloggers in the country. An on-line community. With different sections. Different topics. With readers from all over the country and world. These ladies have won numerous blog awards. Best new mom blog of the year. 100 Top Mom Blogs in the country. Travel blog of the year. Blogger choice awards. And my favorite, The 2009 WeBlog awards... established in 2001. 

2001? I mean, dang, I was barely getting e-mail back then. 

People were blogging back then? In the old days? Really?

My heart sunk. My gut felt sickly. Once again, I missed the boat. I was stupid to get my hopes up.

***

The blog-o-sphere is vast. Mommy blogs. Travel blogs. Political blogs. Food blogs. Spiritual journey blogs. The list goes on and on. And experts, all the writers are experts. They are quirky poets, English majors, out-of-this-world moms who apparently have time to make their own cleaning solutions,  home school, maintain gardens, take professional pictures on the side, win awards and land book deals, oh yeah, and then blog about it on top of all that! 

I did not feel envious. I just felt little. Stupid. Minute. How silly to think that I came up with something new or amazing.  This blog empire is so far beyond me. I felt two awkward steps behind the rest of the world. And in a final moment of self-defeat I made my way to urban dictionary to look up the word "blurker." Someone used it in a comment the other day. 

Sure enough, there it was: A blog lurker who never leaves a comment.

Great, these people even have their own slang. I will never make it in their world. 

***

"They already have good girlfriends, it's too late for me to be included."

"They already have their couple friends, it's too late for us to fit in."

"They already have more than enough people to volunteer, they won't ever need me."

"They already work-out together, they don't want one more person."

"They already have a vast blog world, they don't need one more person. I'll never be as good as them." 

I'll never catch up. I'm too late. I can't offer anything new. I'm not needed. I will die alone and unaccomplished... nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I'll go and eat some worms...

The thoughts plague me. Two steps behind everyone else. Or as Fergie says, "You're so two thousand and late..."

Something seeks to disable me just enough that I am convinced I will never find my place and I give up. 

Giving up is easy. Believing the voices is tempting. Living a life of self-pity sits in front of my eyes like a plate of extra cheesy enchiladas and three cupcakes begging to be eaten, to be consumed, to be devoured. Self-pity tells me I am too late. I have missed the boat. It tells me that I have no reason for confidence, passion, or excitement. It tells me that there are no good, amazing, abundant plans for my life. It tells me I am nominal. Plain. Nothing special. It tells me that I am not good enough. Not needed.It tells me I am just an insignificant speck who has missed my chance...

Self-pity robs my voice. Robs my heart. Robs my life. Self-pity is the voice of death. 

***

But the voice of truth tells me a different story. 

So what? I didn't know that blogs were like... the thing.

So what? I'm behind and I don't have hundreds and hundred of loyal readers.

So what? There's no book deal on the table or bloggie award on the wall. 

So what? I'm a little late on the scene. 

So what. 

So many times in my life I have let myself go down the road of self-defeat. I have lived there. Oh, how lonely and bitter it is. How hopeless. 

But then my mom has always said, "Jenny, if you don't have friends... go out and make some." "If you want to be a writer, just write a book." "If you want to volunteer but there are already too many people, go anyways. They will need you eventually." "If you want couple friends, throw a party and invite all the couples you know." 

Mom has always reminded me that no situation is permanent. Self-pity is only to be indulged for a day. Then you pick yourself up and you start over again. You go for it. You dream big, try hard, put yourself out there, and don't believe anything else. She would say, "So what? Now what?"

***

So tonight I am pretending that I am sitting at Starbucks talking to my mom. Telling her that it's too late for me to make it in the blog world. That I am seriously, like 5 years late, and not nearly smart enough, cutesy enough, or awesome enough to ever make it in the blog world. I'm just too late. 

She reminds me that I felt that way about having friends before. I was convinced I would die old and lonely with not one single girlfriend to my name. And now I have more girlfriends; true, deep, amazing girlfriends than I can even keep up with. 

She reminds me of other examples too. 

She tells me to learn from the people that are already out there writing their hearts out. To be happy that they have paved the way. She lets me complain and mope over a few more sips of coffee and then she does what she does best. 

Jenny. You are a good writer. There are tons of writers but there are not tons of Jenny writers. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop planning your blog funeral. Stop comparing yourself. Stop limiting your call. Stop it. 

You want to be a professional blogger? Go be a blogger. 

You want to whistle for an entire concert? Go whistle. 

You want girlfriends? Invite some girls over and ask them, "Please by my friend."

You want to be a writer? 

Write Jenny. Stop talking to me and write.  

Thanks for meeting me at Starbucks tonight mom. You are far away, but you were here. This blogs for you :)