You know the ole urban myth about the kid that eats at Taco Bell, complains of a sore tooth a few weeks later, and the dentist goes in to find that a roach- a Tacobellian roach- has laid baby roach eggs in the kid's gums? I think I've got that.
I woke up with a toothache. I felt around with my tongue and realized the gums surrounding that tooth had creeped awfully low- as in- pretty soon the gums might be the only thing showing. They might droop all the way down to my bottom teeth. They might pop or stretch open. They might overtake my mouth like weeds.
It's a tragic thing to wake up on a Monday morning with gum hemorrhoids.
I pulled out my dental floss. I am a furious flosser. Committed to the utmost excellence in above par standards for my dental hygiene. Each and every tooth must be loved on- people. Are you loving every tooth you have? Be honest.
I flossed each tooth around 'the tooth' and then I worked up the courage to wiggle the floss past the fleshy gums that had crawled waaaay past their God-given home and had plastered themselves around my poor little tooth.
An explosion of blood.
Blood filled my mouth, turned all my poor teeth crimson red, and started running down my chin.
I was, of course, gagging- while also instructing my husband to PLEASE get Annie out of the room so that she is not traumatized and her love for dental hygiene is not diminished because her mom is squirting gummy blood everywhere.
I applied pressure and when the bleeding finally stopped I saw something sticking out...
I had no earthly idea what it could be.
Surely if I was eating something and it got lodged in my gums, I would've noticed, right?
Why did it look like a tiny twig?
And why was it beginning to inch its way out?
I gently tugged on it...
out comes what can only be described as a roach leg.
I showed Ryan and he gagged.
"Why do you show me that kind of crap JENNY???"
He doesn't like it when I traumatize him with my bodily functions and weird abnormalities. But if I can't share it with him, who can I share it with???
(the correct answer is: YOU, blog family)
It was a about 1/3 of a centimeter's long twiggy, stick, roach leg looking thing. I nearly threw up. I immediately (in a way that only a seasoned hypochondriac with a vivid and dark twistiness in their soul can do) decided that I was the most current victim of the Taco Bell urban myth.
All morning long I've been waiting for roach babies to start crawling out. And that's just not a good way to start your Monday.
And I promise I have some real things I want to write about today- which means I'm going to have to write another post this morning- so I apologize in advance for two in one day. But I needed to just tell someone...
I think my mouth is having roach babies.