No. You. Didn't.

Look people of the world...

There have got to be rules that we all uphold.

God-given, common sense, playing-fair rules that we all uphold for the dignity and sanity of all other creatures living on planet earth.

You should avoid eye contact with people in their private stalls or urinals.

That's a good rule.

You should throw your gum away in a proper trash recepticle.

That's another good rule.

You should keep your voice at an appropriate inside level while using public transportation.

A simple way to respect the world around you. Right? Right.

And by all means, you should avoid eating certain foods on airplanes.

And I do mean: By. All. Means. Necessary.

The thing is, universal airplane rules have been seriously hi-jacked by in-frequent travelers.

I've flown over 75,000 miles this year and I realize that puts me at a slight advantage over novice air-travelers; I'm in airports more often than I'm in my own bathroom at home. Still, whether traveling for the first time or 700th time on an airplane, I think there are some common sense rules that should just be born inherent in every human being...

And this, my friends, brings me to a recent weekend of air travel with Ryan and Annie.

The plane is full. There is not enough room for all the carry on bags, coats, and Christmas presents.

People are cranky. Cramped.

Annie is fussy. Squirmy.

I'm cranky. Claustrophobic.

And Ryan?

After take-off, I turn to Ryan and he is slightly blue in the face and audibly gagging.

At first, it's barely audible. His hand is covering his mouth and his eyes are slightly watering. But then it gets louder.

He is gagging out loud and pointing. Gagging and pointing. Gagging and pointing.

I'm not as worried about him throwing up as I am him hurting someone's feelings for pointing at them. And I can't figure out who he's pointing at anyways. Until it hits me. And it hits me hard.

The smell is like an overwhelming wave of rotten garbage and Easter. And then I see him.  I see the middle-aged man right in front of us do the unthinkable...

he squeezes a zip lock bag around a few times and out comes a squishy, peeled, hard boiled egg.

I looked at him in horror. NO. YOU. DIDN'T.

Tiny nibble, by tiny nibble this man- who is sitting next to a woman who seems classy and decent- pinches out bites, his upper lip touching the zip lock baggy, and he works his way through two entire hard boiled eggs.

As we sat in the over crowded, confined space, I got to gagging too and wondering, Lord, was he born without the manual?

The manual of inherent rules that all people are supposed to be born with... was he born without one? I mean, what would possibly cause him to think that eating two hard boiled eggs out of a watery zip lock bag in an airplane is a good idea? Is he all there? Does his smeller not work? Does he not smell death and Easter eggs lurking around his seat???

For an hour we tried not to gag and not to stare and not to laugh as we looked at each other with watery eyes. And as I sat there, I thought, well what is this world coming to? I mean, really?

Poverty. Disease. Natural disasters. Dictators. And idiots....

who talk too loud on their cell phones on city busses and eat hard boiled eggs in the confined spaces of an airplane like everyone in the world just enjoys sitting around eating hard boiled eggs and sniffing yokes.

My disappointment in humanity soared.

I couldn't strangle the man, so in that moment I resigned myself to starting a new section on this blog called:


Periodically, we will have these moments together, you and I. We will gather in this place and vent about all the people in the world who just did what no person should EVER do. And I say it with as much annoyed diva in my voice as possible...


Your turn!  Have you recently been around someone doing the unthinkable? Do you have a rule to contribute to the manual? This is your chance to vent. And from one friend to another, I wish you an egg-free day.

(Well at least the smelly kind that are consumed in small confined spaces.)