If it’s any consolation, I have thought of you all often.
I have written at least 17 brilliant blogs in my mind. Unfortunately they pen themselves around 3 am while a small urchin is stuck to my chest and pooping on my lap. My computer has grown dusty and lonely. My thoughts have been trapped and have drifted towards diaper genies. My words have multiplied. There are at least 5 million stored away in my brain now. And I can already tell my keyboard savvy fingers have atrophied.
If it’s any consolation, I have so wanted to write and fill you all in. I have wanted to sit at Starbucks and shoot the breeze with strangers in between thoughts and paragraphs. I have wanted to start exercising.
(FYI, I pulled out the bathing suit and wore it in public yesterday. 4 weeks is a little too soon. A lot too soon. You should be allowed to wear a sign or have a bubble caption over your head that says, “Oh, that (pick your favorite body part) ____________ fat? She just had a baby.” In fact, you should really be allowed to wear a shirt announcing you just had a baby for a few good months. That way all the idiots in the world will stay out of your way. The mean people will be a bit nicer. And the nice people will open doors, give you their parking spot, ask if they can do anything to help you, not get their feelings hurt when you don’t have time for them, and understand that your lack of stimulating conversation only reflects on the three hours of sleep you have had in two days… in which case they smile and continue the conversation for you. Or, heck, they might even let you sleep! Yeah, we should all be given signs. Just freaking had a baby. Enough Said).
If it’s any consolation I have been terribly blogsick. I promise.
There are moments that I think, “this needs to be said.”
For instance, there were two men in the back part of my OBGYN’S office the other day. MEN. Look, I picked a lady- lady doctor for a reason. I don’t want to be doing that business around the male species. And there were these two young, attractive pharmaceutical reps flirting up the nurses, laughing, and lounging around in OUR hallway while I was trying to pee in a cup and get a pap smear. The audacity! I generally like most men, but I immediately had a disdain for these two prancing around the lady folk doctors office like it was no big deal that we were all in the rooms doing our private business. Isn't there an unwritten rule against this?
Also, when we pulled out of the hospital parking lot I realized… not a person in this country could drive. My lord, it’s amazing any of us are still alive. I, of course, am a perfect driver, but the rest of you people scare me. Ryan honked before we even got onto the highway that first day and I glare at people now, shake my head, and vigorously point to the baby in the backseat. No wonder people have those ridiculous signs. We’d like to skip the “baby on board” sign and go straight to a taxicab sign on the top of the car that announces our child and our intentions to run anyone down who might drive inappropriately around us. I had no idea there were so many bad drivers. When did that start?
I also wanted to write about swine flu. One day I am sure that we are about to see world-wide mass casualties and I am trying to find a baby mask for airplane travel and the next day I can’t find a station or website who mentions it. Really? It just disappeared? Poof, we’re all safe now? Ever the conspiracy theorist, I am sure this has something to do with a behind-closed-doors secret government rendezvous.
There are more serious, less sarcastic things writing themselves out in the wee hours of the morning.
Like, what has happened to us? So many guns killing so many people lately. What drives someone to such a place of loneliness, anger, desperation, and hopelessness that their only solution is to take away a human life? The slew of shooting sprees has me opening my eyes. I cannot take away a person’s right to carry their weapon. Nor can I reverse the amendment and collect all of those weapons and destroy them. Neither is a viable or realistic option. So what can I do? You have to wonder who walked past those people each day. Who smiled at them or didn’t smile at them? Who befriended them and who acted aloof? Who showed them disdain or worse, made them feel invisible, and who slowed down to show them love? I wonder if I ever crossed their paths? I wonder who will walk in front of me today? I wonder if one act of kindness, one display of love, or one conversation could make a miserable lonely man ready to kill those around him… make him think twice? Maybe that is naïve. Maybe that person is too far-gone. But he wasn’t always. She wasn’t always. For 99% percent of people there is a point before the point of no return. I wonder what would happen if someone would just step in? Love really is a remedy.
I look at Annie and didn’t know I could love someone so much.
Everyone tells you that. They say you will understand God’s love in a new way. You will be amazed at your capacity to deeply, passionately, fiercely love and protect this little person. But it’s like a picture of a great destination. You can hear about it and see someone else’s view of it, but you don’t truly know what they are talking about until you get there. Until you see it yourself.
I have seen it myself now. At night when I hold this adorable little girl and my heart beats fast and I smile without realizing it. When her tears come and my heart longs to do whatever it has to do to meet her needs. When she is awake and staring intently at me and I am sure she is not only perfect and will never have a bad attitude or want to wear revealing clothes, but I am also sure she will single-handedly change the world… I have seen it myself. A love so maddeningly strong that any loud hunger cries, lack of sleep, or loss of self do not matter.
All that matters is this little girl who arches her back and stretches as soon as she wakes up and keeps her lips airtight and puckered for a good five minutes. This little girl who loves to cuddle, loves the sound of music, looks at you deeply, coos and makes the best noise you’ve ever heard after she sneezes, and who already helps her mom and dad by being content, flexible, and laid back... even when we keep her out late.
So, if it’s any consolation, I have thought of you often…
But then there is her.
We have a little girl. And now my world seems smaller.
But my heart is bigger than it has ever been.