Not an especially brilliant fall like Boston where the air is crisp, the leaves are vibrant as they dance off the trees, and the smell of a good chowder is lingering in the air.
Nevertheless, there was a breeze in the air and everything felt different. It felt like the first day of fall.
I went to the grocery story. There were pumpkins. Pumpkins to carve, pumpkin cookies to eat, and pumpkin napkin holders. I checked my phone for the date. We are barely out of August, how could there be goblin costumes, pumpkins, and candy aisles already?
September 22nd. I had no idea we were on the front porch of October.
On the way home I made my dreaded and necessary stop at our apartment's dumpster. I knew today was the day I had to do it and I just needed to get it over with. But I actually felt a twinge of pain in my heart as I threw away my favorite pillow of all time.
"I'm so sorry to do this to you. I really am. But I wake up choking on your feathers. And they make the room so dusty and birdlike."
It just stared at me with its big sad eyes and ugly yellow drool stains.
"Don't look at me that way. You know you are bad for my allergies. You know this is hard for me too. Please don't make this harder than it has to be."
It didn't hear a word I said. And there it sat, in the midst of trash, my favorite pillow in the world. Abandoned.
It was then I noticed I was crying.
Not a lot, you know, just a few tears. But the tears weren't nearly a match for the weight I felt bearing down on my soul. I took out my phone to take a picture, got back in my car, and drove to my apartment with tears streaming down my face.
At this point you probably want to know when the next time I see the psychiatrist is? The truth is, I think I just needed to mourn...not my favorite pillow being thrown away, but other changes, drastic changes occurring in my life. The pillow was just the catalyst that brought me there.
My little sister got married a few weekends ago and now she is not so little anymore. My middle sister and her husband will get their next military assignment this week and will probably end up in Hawaii or Alaska, or Antarctica for that matter. They are all too far away. My dad is in the process of changing jobs and I've pretty much only ever known him working at one place. A place close enough so that we could go to lunch every week and talk about all our problems and figure out how to save the world together. How can I live without that? People are moving, having babies, and I am traveling more in the next two months than I ever have in my life (I was on 8 flights last week alone).
Now the weather is changing, the pumpkins are out, people are getting giddy with apples and Halloween costumes in the air, and all I want to do is stop the world. Just make it stop. Stop time and keep it just like this. I am not ready for all the change. I am not ready for what's to come.
Just when I get comfortable and find my groove the carpet gets yanked from underneath me. And I happened to really like that carpet!! Now I just have rug burn.
Change is a part of life. Seasons. Cycles. Movement. Life, growth, death. And God gives us a hope and peace about our future and about each new day. I fully trust that and know it to be true.
But it doesn't make it any easier. And sometimes you can't help but cry as you throw away your favorite pillow and realize life is changing on you whether you like it or not.
Today is one of those days.
(The soundtrack for this post is the song Every Season by Nichole Nordeman. One of the best songs ever written. Listen on repeat.)