Don't Look Dummy!

I accidentally saw a decapitated dear on the side of the highway today.

It was awful.

I’m not an animal lover, so it wasn’t the kind of awful that made me think, “Oh poor creature of earth, he had such a promising life ahead of him in the beautiful Arkansas forest. He probably had a name and a family. Poor little dear.”

But I’m not a blood and gore girl either. So the thought was more like, “Oh my gosh. Why did you just do that? Why did you look dummy? Why did you look???”

As I drove along I-40 to Nashville my mind kept regurgitating the image of the stomach churning, severed dear head that my delicate eyes were exposed to; and I realized how typical this experience was of life.

It’s just that once you’ve seen something, if you are mostly human that is, a little bit of whatever you saw seeps into you. And then it’s there. And then you see it. And whether you respond to it or not is up to you and your own conscience, but no matter what you do in response, the image is still there… decapitated and staring at you and all.

And usually, after your eyes have caught a glimpse of an unkindly visage, you scream to yourself, seconds too late “Don’t look dummy.”

Only to hear the dummy respond, “Too late.”

Knock, Knock

Last night I watched John Lennon’s documentary Imagine. I was fascinated at his interaction with people who were affected by his music. They would show up at his door. His front door. Can you imagine what the Vietnam War drug in? Young, lost, confused, emotional, passionate, starving for meaning little hippies. They would show up like stray dogs at Lennon’s doorstep seeking meaning and purpose and he would answer the door.

He would answer the door. Can you imagine? He took their questions seriously; he treated these vagabonds as human beings. He even fed them on occasion and welcomed them into his home.

At one point John says that the people affected by his music were somewhat his responsibility, his burden.

And the whole time I’m sitting there screaming, “Don’t look dummy. Don’t look out your window. For the love Beatle man, turn around, close your eyes, don’t do it!”

I suppose that is where I find myself lately. Eyes wide open with a little voice that screams seconds too late, “Don’t look dummy.”

Buried in the Sand

You can’t very well walk around with your eyes closed. Though many try. I meet a lot of religious people around the country who are convinced that trying to raise their kids with a blindfold and earplugs and a chastity belt and ankle cuffs and no access to the real world will protect them from the pitfalls of human nature and keep them a safe distance from all things unholy. The general result of this protectionism tactic is students who have no clue what it’s like to be human in this great big world. They know only one thing, one way, and they cannot relate to anyone else. These are the kids who would have been shocked had they taken a field trip with Jesus. It would have been the most inappropriate field trip of their lives; visiting prostitutes and wedding parties that were overflowing with wine and all.

But honestly sometimes it’s much easier to not look, isn’t it? When I look at everything I suddenly seem so very small. The questions seem so very big. The answers seem so very evasive. And the opinions weighing in seem too plentiful to count. And I find myself asking, is it easier to face the giants of intellect, science, history, culture, and ethics or is it easier to stick my head in the sand, quote a scripture verse, and refuse to delve into anything beyond the pages of my Bible?

Well, it is quite an easy exercise to use my faith as an excuse for closing my eyes to everything else that exists in the world. But the problem is, Jesus didn’t seem to close his eyes. He was sort of out there in the mix of things calling them for what they were: light or dark. And I can almost envision Him walking by a beach full of religious people with their heads buried in the sand, like ostrich do, and Jesus plucking them out (perhaps laughing a bit as the sun stings their eyes), so that they can actually see and interact and get up close and personal with the real world.

But you can’t very well walk around with your eyeballs taped wide open either.

There is a point where so many books, so many authors, theories, movements, agendas, political rants, and esoteric exercises can dilute one’s normal sensibilities. All of a sudden our judgment is gone, lost in the mire of mere human voices and abstract theories that are meaningless. Our eyes can be so opened, consuming so much, that the spiritual is lost on a world that perpetually shoves more and more words into our already saturated brains. What then can a word mean, when it is simply one word among millions? What then can an image mean, when it is simply one image among millions? What then can Jesus mean, when He is simply one among many? There has to be some limit, some boundary that protects us from our own demise.

Open for Business?

It’s just that I am often torn about where to fall. So much of me wants to say of this world, “Don’t look dummy,” because this world hurts and I can get lost in it. But my spirit is curious, my heart prone to wonder, my mind made inquisitively, and my Lord says, “Seek, and you will find.

Seek. I like this word except that if you say it too many times it starts sounding weird. Like leek. Or Sheik. And then I get distracted.

In order to seek, our eyes must be open.

When we seek, we open ourselves to all kinds of things. We might see bad stuff; like the dead decapitated dear. We might see people (sometimes annoying, time-consuming, draining, needy people) and realize they are our responsibility, like John Lennon did with his fans. We might see gaps in our faith, holes in our religious institutions, and rough spots in our stagnant theology that need to be sloughed off.

But Jesus says seek and you will find.

So I have to believe that when my eyes are open and exposed to the ugly, there is a good chance I will find something beautiful as well. I might just find myself saying, “Don’t look away, don’t forget this moment.”

We might be surprised that when we open our eyes to the world around us, our God is big enough to answer any questions, any holes, or any gaps we might find. We might be surprised to see God in the midst of this big ole dirty world. In places we never thought we’d see Him. We might be surprised that upon opening our eyes, yes, we see an ugly reality, but it almost always runs parallel with some form of redemption. And we can actually see redemption.

Like the child who is afraid there is a boogieman in the closet and holds her hands tightly over her eyes, we might be surprised to find that when we peel back a finger or two and anxiously look around… we catch a glimpse of truth and beauty. Not a boogie man. Not road kill. Not pervasive cultural monsters. But something that screams or whispers or hints of goodness. And goodness comes from its creator.

So at least for today… I want my eyes to be open. To everyone. To everything.

Don't Look Dummy!

I accidentally saw a decapitated dear on the side of the highway today.

It was awful.

I’m not an animal lover, so it wasn’t the kind of awful that made me think, “Oh poor creature of earth, he had such a promising life ahead of him in the beautiful Arkansas forest. He probably had a name and a family. Poor little dear.”

But I’m not a blood and gore girl either. So the thought was more like, “Oh my gosh. Why did you just do that? Why did you look dummy? Why did you look???”

As I drove along I-40 to Nashville my mind kept regurgitating the image of the stomach churning, severed dear head that my delicate eyes were exposed to; and I realized how typical this experience was of life.

It’s just that once you’ve seen something, if you are mostly human that is, a little bit of whatever you saw seeps into you. And then it’s there. And then you see it. And whether you respond to it or not is up to you and your own conscience, but no matter what you do in response, the image is still there… decapitated and staring at you and all.

And usually, after your eyes have caught a glimpse of an unkindly visage, you scream to yourself, seconds too late “Don’t look dummy.”

Only to hear the dummy respond, “Too late.”

Knock, Knock

Last night I watched John Lennon’s documentary Imagine. I was fascinated at his interaction with people who were affected by his music. They would show up at his door. His front door. Can you imagine what the Vietnam War drug in? Young, lost, confused, emotional, passionate, starving for meaning little hippies. They would show up like stray dogs at Lennon’s doorstep seeking meaning and purpose and he would answer the door.

He would answer the door. Can you imagine? He took their questions seriously; he treated these vagabonds as human beings. He even fed them on occasion and welcomed them into his home.

At one point John says that the people affected by his music were somewhat his responsibility, his burden.

And the whole time I’m sitting there screaming, “Don’t look dummy. Don’t look out your window. For the love Beatle man, turn around, close your eyes, don’t do it!”

I suppose that is where I find myself lately. Eyes wide open with a little voice that screams seconds too late, “Don’t look dummy.”

Buried in the Sand

You can’t very well walk around with your eyes closed. Though many try. I meet a lot of religious people around the country who are convinced that trying to raise their kids with a blindfold and earplugs and a chastity belt and ankle cuffs and no access to the real world will protect them from the pitfalls of human nature and keep them a safe distance from all things unholy. The general result of this protectionism tactic is students who have no clue what it’s like to be human in this great big world. They know only one thing, one way, and they cannot relate to anyone else. These are the kids who would have been shocked had they taken a field trip with Jesus. It would have been the most inappropriate field trip of their lives; visiting prostitutes and wedding parties that were overflowing with wine and all.

But honestly sometimes it’s much easier to not look, isn’t it? When I look at everything I suddenly seem so very small. The questions seem so very big. The answers seem so very evasive. And the opinions weighing in seem too plentiful to count. And I find myself asking, is it easier to face the giants of intellect, science, history, culture, and ethics or is it easier to stick my head in the sand, quote a scripture verse, and refuse to delve into anything beyond the pages of my Bible?

Well, it is quite an easy exercise to use my faith as an excuse for closing my eyes to everything else that exists in the world. But the problem is, Jesus didn’t seem to close his eyes. He was sort of out there in the mix of things calling them for what they were: light or dark. And I can almost envision Him walking by a beach full of religious people with their heads buried in the sand, like ostrich do, and Jesus plucking them out (perhaps laughing a bit as the sun stings their eyes), so that they can actually see and interact and get up close and personal with the real world.

But you can’t very well walk around with your eyeballs taped wide open either.

There is a point where so many books, so many authors, theories, movements, agendas, political rants, and esoteric exercises can dilute one’s normal sensibilities. All of a sudden our judgment is gone, lost in the mire of mere human voices and abstract theories that are meaningless. Our eyes can be so opened, consuming so much, that the spiritual is lost on a world that perpetually shoves more and more words into our already saturated brains. What then can a word mean, when it is simply one word among millions? What then can an image mean, when it is simply one image among millions? What then can Jesus mean, when He is simply one among many? There has to be some limit, some boundary that protects us from our own demise.

Open for Business?

It’s just that I am often torn about where to fall. So much of me wants to say of this world, “Don’t look dummy,” because this world hurts and I can get lost in it. But my spirit is curious, my heart prone to wonder, my mind made inquisitively, and my Lord says, “Seek, and you will find.

Seek. I like this word except that if you say it too many times it starts sounding weird. Like leek. Or Sheik. And then I get distracted.

In order to seek, our eyes must be open.

When we seek, we open ourselves to all kinds of things. We might see bad stuff; like the dead decapitated dear. We might see people (sometimes annoying, time-consuming, draining, needy people) and realize they are our responsibility, like John Lennon did with his fans. We might see gaps in our faith, holes in our religious institutions, and rough spots in our stagnant theology that need to be sloughed off.

But Jesus says seek and you will find.

So I have to believe that when my eyes are open and exposed to the ugly, there is a good chance I will find something beautiful as well. I might just find myself saying, “Don’t look away, don’t forget this moment.”

We might be surprised that when we open our eyes to the world around us, our God is big enough to answer any questions, any holes, or any gaps we might find. We might be surprised to see God in the midst of this big ole dirty world. In places we never thought we’d see Him. We might be surprised that upon opening our eyes, yes, we see an ugly reality, but it almost always runs parallel with some form of redemption. And we can actually see redemption.

Like the child who is afraid there is a boogieman in the closet and holds her hands tightly over her eyes, we might be surprised to find that when we peel back a finger or two and anxiously look around… we catch a glimpse of truth and beauty. Not a boogie man. Not road kill. Not pervasive cultural monsters. But something that screams or whispers or hints of goodness. And goodness comes from its creator.

So at least for today… I want my eyes to be open. To everyone. To everything.

The Snots

Annie's first trip to Chicago...

Annie has the snots.

She will be six months old tomorrow and this is the first time she’s ever had anything rattling around in her head, so I think that is a good sign.

Considering I woke her up at 3:50 a.m. on Saturday (after an 11:00 p.m. bedtime) and had her at the airport by 5:00 a.m. and we’ve been going non-stop ever since then, I think she is holding up rather splendidly.

In 48 hours she went from Missouri to Kansas City, stayed briefly in Dallas, straight on to Mississippi, and finally ended up In Chicago, where…

We promptly put her, with the snots and all, into a loaded train so that we could go into the city. Is this bad parenting? Don’t answer, please.

She loved it. Every tunnel made her eyes grow ten times bigger than her actual eyeball sockets and she followed every single car on the highway with her little head bobbing back and forth. I figured she would throw up at some point or get dizzy and stop, but this never happened. She just smiled. I on the other hand… I felt like I had been blindfolded and spun around 10 times trying to keep up with her little bobbing head.

I don’t want to put too much pressure on her and create a perfectionist who feels like she is always slaving away only to realize that she is lacking (no, no, I’d much rather have a mediocre kid). But, she is perfect.

You can’t really take credit for a perfect baby. Just like you can’t take credit for pretty eyes or those amazing inherited family heirlooms known as thunder thighs or cleft chins or big ears. You don’t pick those things; they pick you.

So, take heart moms and dads of the world. From a mother who is royally failing by every book’s standard (my kid rubbed her hand on the subway seat rest and stuck it in her mouth before I could stop her and she has really only ever bathed in hotel bathrooms and she took her 40^th flight without a face mask this weekend and sometimes I give her formula bottles that are more than an hour old, and she has had more than 30 different sitters, and sometimes I forget to change her diaper…etc, etc.) you can’t really mess your kids up. Not in the beginning anyways. They either come out happy and perfect; cranky and high maintenance; quiet and uninterested, or some other mixture in between.

That my child is still thriving is a miracle. That she can stay in her stroller for three hours of shopping and eating, with a diaper change in a dressing room, followed by a 45 minute train ride in 35 degree temperatures and never shed one tear… but rather smile, laugh, and watch the world fly by her with wide-eye wonder is a testament to the strength of babies and seriously debunks the theories of best-selling baby experts.

Rather than live in guilt, I have decided to embrace my insane life and bring her with me for the ride. My pastor Jackie always says, “Jenny, what do you think they did with babies on the prairie or in the rice fields or wherever else women had to work manually in history?” Of course the answer is they strapped their babies on their bodies and the baby’s schedule was the mom’s schedule, not vice versa. And while I do not wish to live the same life as a rice patty picker or prairie woman, I am learning to value the sentiment that life doesn’t end with a baby, it simply becomes a little more complicated as you bring them with you into your world.

It’s a perpetual “bring your baby to work” day in this family and I kind of like it.

So…

You know how sometimes you forget to call someone back? Or you forget to write a thank you card? Or you feel some sort of guilt over something you should have done for someone else? And then, the more time that passes, the more guilty you feel, and the pressure weighs down on you about the call that you need to place. And then you think… after all this time??? I better have something incredibly kind or brilliant or witty or endearing or forgiving to say.

That’s how I’ve been feeling about my blog. After all this time and all I have for you is Annie has the snots...

Sure, I am out on the road and have not had many opportunities to write… but that is no excuse. I fell off the face of the earth. And the further I fell, the harder it was to crawl back out of the black hole of non-blogistence. What would I say? Why did I even write in the first place? Do I even have anything worth throwing out to the world? The more time that passed, the more I began relishing in the laziness of not having to think or speak or write… it was a vicious cycle.

But here I am missing you guys and missing the writing life and so I write to you from a cold Illinois evening to say hello and sorry for the almost three week break.

Nothing brilliant or deep or terribly funny… just a hello from your traveling friend.

Hello.

(and yes, I will get an updated amount for Katie posted asap... thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who have joined me in supporting our sweet friend and her ministry)

Katie

One Happy Family! Katie and her girls. God's girls.

Katie has a new daughter! Her 14th baby girl, Patricia. Welcome to the family little squirrel, you are so cute!

Now let's raise this family some money!!!

Donate Online

Amazima Ministries International
1694 Autumn Place
Brentwood, TN
37027

Now is the time friends!

I gotta say, part of me wants to be spiritual in this blog, but the other part is just screaming... "You Christians talk and pray and think and pray and talk so stinking much...aggghhhh... stop talking and just do something already."

So if that's all you needed to hear, then there's the address! Send a check to Amazima Ministries International or donate online right now. And while you're at it, invite your friends and family to do the same.

Now, for the rest of us who tend to talk and pray and think and do all that stuff (ad nasuem and often to the point that we miss the moments because we are complicating things too much), here's what I am thinking tonight:

This week we will flood the office and the online paypal account of Amazima Ministries with our money; our sacrifices. Lord, let it be a true sacrifice.

I could give a pep talk; but a picture speaks a thousand words doesn't it? I could try to encourage you; but the Holy Spirit doesn't need me. I am quite sure He already has the attention of your heart. I could try and guilt you into giving; but there is no guilt or shame in these little girl's faces. They now live in the economy of love and we are simply privileged to join alongside of them in this economy. Where there is love, there is no room for manipulation, guilt, or shame. I could give you statistics about orphans, AIDS, Africa, poverty, malnutrition, and the role of the Christian, as described in the Bible, to meet these challenges head on. I could quote a few more lines from Katie's blog or tell you about my own experience living with orphans in Romania and tell you how desperately these children need for us to care.

There are a lot of things I could use this space for tonight, but I won't. I don't need to.

I will simply tell you that I am grateful for each one of you and the way you have prayed about, wrestled with, and dug deep in your heart to figure out how you can be a part of Katie's journey. I truly believe that by walking alongside Katie, we are walking alongside God himself. By joining Katiewe are joining in the journey of these 14 beautiful girls, their lives, their future, and their legacy on this earth. By joining Katie we are joining in the care of an entire village worth of children and adults. We are empowering women, helping to educate this young generation of children, feeding the poor, caring for the orphans and being faithful to follow the nudging of the Holy Spirit.

We have seen a small glimpse of where God is working and now we are saying, "Yes, I want to join you. Use me. Send me. I will go. I will give. I will sacrifice. I will obey. I will joyfully follow you to this unknown place so that your children, your beloved children, will be cared for. Yes, Lord... Here am I, send me."

Whether you are in California, Maine, Brazil, England, Netherlands, Texas or somewhere in between... by joining Katie, you join a group of believers who are choosing to say, "Yes, Lord... Here am I, send me." It might be $5. It might be $50. $500. $5,000. Only you know that part. But by doing SOMETHING, today you join in living out the gospel that Jesus modeled here on earth. I trust it will not be the last time you act, the last time you join God in his work, or the only thing you will sacrifice. I know you have given before, you are committed to tithing to your church, your favorite charity, or some other cause... I know Katie was probably not a part of your plan, not a part of your budget... she wasn't apart of mine either.

But there she is. 14 kids and about 1200 hundred on the weekends. And they call her Auntie Katie. And she touches each one of them. And she nurses them back to health, drags them to school :) worships the same God with them, helps the ladies in the village learn a job skill, heals the sick (usually with a basic drop of Tylenol and a bite of chicken), cares for the orphans, and loves on the least of these. How can I not act?

I am praying tonight for an outpouring! That we would raise $6,000 and then some. I am praying for $10,000. I am praying that in a few weeks there would be a piece of land in Uganda sitting there, fully owned, waiting for a clinic to be built upon it. That there will be so much money flowing in that the clinic will be built, and chickens will be running wild around that place and it will be flowing with water and yummy, yummy protein!!!

I am praying our hearts will be moved. I am praying for generosity. Sacrificial living. Sacrificial giving. I am excited. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I cannot wait. Happy giving my friends!

More Details Please?

Your gift is tax deductible. Amazima is a 501 (c) (3) non profit and directly benefits Katie. The non-profit organization, Amazima, was built in response to the work that Katie is doing in Uganda.

If you are writing a check include "land" in the subject line so they will know exactly where you intend for it to go. It can be mailed to the address above.

If you are donating online, click on the link above. It will take you directly to a secure, pay-pal account set-up specifically for donations going to buy the piece of land.

If you arranged to give your money to me, I will be mailing it in a lump sum!

To the best of my knowledge, if you are wishing to contribute from somewhere outside of the United States, PayPal will gladly accept your credit/debit card.

In order to protect people's privacy, I am not collecting money personally, it is going straight to Katie's people... so, if you want to know how much we all collectively raised, then please leave a number in the comment field and I will try to come up with the best estimate possible! Even if you have already pledged a certain amount, please tell me again, officially! You can post it anonymously on the comment section.

Katie

One Happy Family! Katie and her girls. God's girls.

Katie has a new daughter! Her 14th baby girl, Patricia. Welcome to the family little squirrel, you are so cute!

Now let's raise this family some money!!!

Donate Online

Amazima Ministries International
1694 Autumn Place
Brentwood, TN
37027

Now is the time friends!

I gotta say, part of me wants to be spiritual in this blog, but the other part is just screaming... "You Christians talk and pray and think and pray and talk so stinking much...aggghhhh... stop talking and just do something already."

So if that's all you needed to hear, then there's the address! Send a check to Amazima Ministries International or donate online right now. And while you're at it, invite your friends and family to do the same.

Now, for the rest of us who tend to talk and pray and think and do all that stuff (ad nasuem and often to the point that we miss the moments because we are complicating things too much), here's what I am thinking tonight:

This week we will flood the office and the online paypal account of Amazima Ministries with our money; our sacrifices. Lord, let it be a true sacrifice.

I could give a pep talk; but a picture speaks a thousand words doesn't it? I could try to encourage you; but the Holy Spirit doesn't need me. I am quite sure He already has the attention of your heart. I could try and guilt you into giving; but there is no guilt or shame in these little girl's faces. They now live in the economy of love and we are simply privileged to join alongside of them in this economy. Where there is love, there is no room for manipulation, guilt, or shame. I could give you statistics about orphans, AIDS, Africa, poverty, malnutrition, and the role of the Christian, as described in the Bible, to meet these challenges head on. I could quote a few more lines from Katie's blog or tell you about my own experience living with orphans in Romania and tell you how desperately these children need for us to care.

There are a lot of things I could use this space for tonight, but I won't. I don't need to.

I will simply tell you that I am grateful for each one of you and the way you have prayed about, wrestled with, and dug deep in your heart to figure out how you can be a part of Katie's journey. I truly believe that by walking alongside Katie, we are walking alongside God himself. By joining Katie we are joining in the journey of these 14 beautiful girls, their lives, their future, and their legacy on this earth. By joining Katie we are joining in the care of an entire village worth of children and adults. We are empowering women, helping to educate this young generation of children, feeding the poor, caring for the orphans and being faithful to follow the nudging of the Holy Spirit.

We have seen a small glimpse of where God is working and now we are saying, "Yes, I want to join you. Use me. Send me. I will go. I will give. I will sacrifice. I will obey. I will joyfully follow you to this unknown place so that your children, your beloved children, will be cared for. Yes, Lord... Here am I, send me."

Whether you are in California, Maine, Brazil, England, Netherlands, Texas or somewhere in between... by joining Katie, you join a group of believers who are choosing to say, "Yes, Lord... Here am I, send me." It might be $5. It might be $50. $500. $5,000. Only you know that part. But by doing SOMETHING, today you join in living out the gospel that Jesus modeled here on earth. I trust it will not be the last time you act, the last time you join God in his work, or the only thing you will sacrifice. I know you have given before, you are committed to tithing to your church, your favorite charity, or some other cause... I know Katie was probably not a part of your plan, not a part of your budget... she wasn't apart of mine either.

But there she is. 14 kids and about 1200 hundred on the weekends. And they call her Auntie Katie. And she touches each one of them. And she nurses them back to health, drags them to school :) worships the same God with them, helps the ladies in the village learn a job skill, heals the sick (usually with a basic drop of Tylenol and a bite of chicken), cares for the orphans, and loves on the least of these. How can I not act?

I am praying tonight for an outpouring! That we would raise $6,000 and then some. I am praying for $10,000. I am praying that in a few weeks there would be a piece of land in Uganda sitting there, fully owned, waiting for a clinic to be built upon it. That there will be so much money flowing in that the clinic will be built, and chickens will be running wild around that place and it will be flowing with water and yummy, yummy protein!!!

I am praying our hearts will be moved. I am praying for generosity. Sacrificial living. Sacrificial giving. I am excited. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I cannot wait. Happy giving my friends!

More Details Please?

Your gift is tax deductible. Amazima is a 501 (c) (3) non profit and directly benefits Katie. The non-profit organization, Amazima, was built in response to the work that Katie is doing in Uganda.

If you are writing a check include "land" in the subject line so they will know exactly where you intend for it to go. It can be mailed to the address above.

If you are donating online, click on the link above. It will take you directly to a secure, pay-pal account set-up specifically for donations going to buy the piece of land.

If you arranged to give your money to me, I will be mailing it in a lump sum!

To the best of my knowledge, if you are wishing to contribute from somewhere outside of the United States, PayPal will gladly accept your credit/debit card.

In order to protect people's privacy, I am not collecting money personally, it is going straight to Katie's people... so, if you want to know how much we all collectively raised, then please leave a number in the comment field and I will try to come up with the best estimate possible! Even if you have already pledged a certain amount, please tell me again, officially! You can post it anonymously on the comment section.