Five things I cannot think about too deeply...
*inspired by my friend Jeff who cannot think about how the plane stays in the air too deeply or he starts freaking out at the implausibility of the whole situation. Some things, he says, cannot be thought about too much or they freak us out and disgust us. So here's my list of those things.*
1. Tongs in a buffet line, like Jason's Deli. Some kid picks his nose, then picks up the tongs. Some old lady who has been blowing her nose all day forgets about that last sneeze and picks up the tongs. Some man with dirty fingernails. Or worse, a bathroom user that does not wash their hands. Can't really think about this when I am waiting in any sort of buffet line.
2. Deli Meat. Why is it in a big, thick, solid ball? It didn't come out of the turkey that way, a massive blob of meat with no veins, bones, blood, or arteries, did it? So why is it in a big ball now? Did they just pound a bunch of ham together? Is it left-over meat parts? How do they make it all stick in a ball like that? The ball of meat really disturbs me. This one makes my head hurt.
3. What has to happen to my body for a baby to ACTUALLY come out of me. Look, I know women have been doing it for thousands of years now, but that does not mean it is any less horrible. I can't go there in my mind. Just get me in the room, give me the drugs, and don't actually let me know what is happening. If I think about that too much, it will never happen.
This one makes my head hurt and other things hurt...I prefer to imagine storks.
4. Hotel comforters. Let's be real. They aren't washed and if you are like me you end up with blankets bundled around your face and sometimes even in your mouth. And look, if 60 Minutes goes exploring and shows me bed bugs and other nasty things lingering in hotel rooms, who am I to disagree? They said basically everything in the room is alive. I only wish I had one of those green lights so I could see them all crawling around and give them proper names. Like Herman, my pillow friend. Or Henrietta, the sink monster.
5. Dinosaurs. Really? This concept completely escapes me. On a recent visit to the MET in New York I went to the Ancient Civilizations section. Wow. 2 million years ago? I have a hard enough time with Pharaoh and anything B.C.E., don't get me started on dinosaurs. This entire section of the museum befuddled me and gave me one serious headache. Really, I had to go buy Tylenol at the souvenir store. Cave men? Woolly mammoths? Dinosaurs? Sounds like "The Land Before Time" to me.
Other things that almost made the list: roller coasters, elevators, McDonald's, telephone wires and the underground ocean internet cables, bridges, submarines, and when Jeff has really gotten to me...airplanes. How do we stay up in the air?