Today I saw a man run into a trash can.
He immediately reared up like he was going to hit someone, an evil expression came over his face, he looked down at the trash can defensively, and threw up his hands like, "What's up? You wanna hit me?" and then stormed off.
I'm not making this up.
He was angry at the inanimate trash can for inanimately running into him. I laughed about this for several minutes.
Today in the gym the other girls were watching E! Hollywood... The Girls Next Door. If you don't know, that's a reality show about Hugh Hefner's girlfriends and all things Playboy Bunny. Is it weird that a room full of girls were watching that? Anyways, I was hooked. As I was listening to The Afters they were searching for the anniversary playboy bunny and I could not stop reading the hearing impaired text on the screen. They said the word "like" like at least 74 times... that's when I stopped counting. But my favorite part?
"We're headed to Dallas today to look for the next Playboy Bunny and we are just praying and praying that we will find the perfect girl."
This made me laugh. Far be it for me to decide what prayers God answers or not, but I couldn't help but wonder how that one was going down.
"God, please deliver into our hands one of your most beautiful, blonde hair, big chested, very skinny daughters so that we may deliver her naked body to the world. Seriously God. We are like on a schedule. Please."
We could talk about the evils of porn right here or the intrinsic value of each woman or how seriously God takes the matter of exploiting His children or how Jesus came to give freedom to those who are enslaved to lust or searching for acceptance... but this would greatly diminish the humor of the playboy bunnies praying and praying that God would help them find the next bunny in Dallas.
Come on, if that can't make you smile, what can?
I'm trying to learn how to wear Annie in her sling and front pack. This is proving to be more difficult than I thought. One of the products came with an instructional DVD so I have been practicing with a stuffed rabbit. Today, I read the whole manual. In the massive amount of warnings at the end, I read this:
Do not wear baby in the sling while skiing.
Do not wear baby in the sling while playing full contact sports.
Do not attempt to wear baby in the sling while in water.
There are a lot of stupid people in the world. I will be the first to agree with this and point some of them out to you... but really? Really? Skiing?
Which kind... water or snow? Black slopes or green?
Full contact sports? "Let's go Annie... time for flag football! Whoa, watch out for that spike!" I mean, if Annie even gets near a full contact sport in the next few years she will be thoroughly wrapped in bubble wrap, with knee pads, elbow pads, a helmet and all of this will be neon pink and yellow. And these are just minor precautions I will take if she is watching from the bleachers at a safe distance. Full contact sports? Really?
And water? You have to wonder if some woman (or man) somewhere popped their kid in the Baby Bjorn one day and thought, "let's go in the ocean!" "I think it's about time we took you water skiing!" It seems like rules this specific are only established after the fact when some executive is shaking their head saying, "Because of consumer X we forever have to warn these people of what??? Well, what kind of idiot does that in the first place???" At least, that's what I'd be saying to the legal department. This made me smile.
And then laugh. If there is anyone in the world that would do those things...um... they might be in my spastic family. I'm not naming any names, but if there are 5 people in the world that would try this, I think I know four of them!
Finally, Annie growled at me today. Gave me the one-eyed evil stare, pursed lips, and phlegm rattling in the throat growl. She then let out the loudest cry I've ever heard and shoved both hands in her mouth as if she would die if she didn't eat right that second and stared at me.
I just fed her an hour earlier.
I died laughing.
She was so trying to work the system. For the first time, I saw it. Her junior high and high school years terrifyingly flashed before my eyes. Her cunning ability to stare me down. ME, the woman who is suffering severe acne, size 11 jeans, stretch marks, and two hours of sleep at a time for her... and after the evil eye came the desperation. Mom... PLEASE. Shoving her hands in her mouth, looking so pathetic and helpless.
And I could not stop laughing. I probably laughed for five minutes until I cried...
So it begins.
I hope something made you laugh today. If not, re-read my blog from Monday where I asked everyone to just listen and not try to make me feel better with compliments and see all the truly creative ways people got around the rules. Thank you all for being sweet friends. So sweet that your compliment was to make sure you told me your worst story so that I did not feel alone.
That made me laugh too.