The Becoming
By jenny | September 8, 2011
5:49 a.m.
I am wide awake.
Keenly aware of the fact that I feel lost. Like driftwood. Churned up by the storms and spit out in a different county, mangled, in a river I’ve never known.
Truth is, it all hit at once.
I’ve walked through seasons of change, seasons of feeling lost before- but they were never so real or so deep as they are now.
5:55 a.m.
I am contemplating who I am. And how does that make any sense? And what am I to do with that? And who do I want to be? Not what do I want to do with my life- though it seems summing it up with a simple answer like that would make this process a lot easier- so not that. But who do I want to be? Who was I made to be? And do I have to be that? Or can I just kind of be that? And who was that person anyways? I mean… the person I was made to be? Am I that person? Or a version of her? What’s left of her? Or is she being completely reinvented?
[I should insert here that I do not have multiple personalities. You know. Just in case you were starting to get concerned.]
These are the things you think you have figured out. You think you know yourself. And I suppose there are loads of well meaning people in the world who live simple lives never contemplating this stuff, never doing anything risky enough to feel lost, never sitting on the couch at 6:01 a.m. staring their demons in the face. But I am not that person.
I am a nearly 31 year old artist, wife and mom who feels like driftwood. Churned up by the storms and spit out in a different county, mangled, in a river I’ve never known.
Being all mangledy-bangledy is a good thing. At least that’s what preachers always say. Storms grow you up. Get rid of all the bad stuff in you. Refine you with their fire and hurricane-in-the-sky powers. You come out refined. And shinier. And stronger. And I agree, this can happen. But what of the in between time? Where you’re mangledy-bangledy.
Sometimes we skip that part. Instead, the image I often get is this: I walk into a trying season in my life as “Jenny” and I come out shortly there after on the other side as a smokin’ hot “Jenny 4.0” who has, somehow, become infinitely more beautiful, happy, mature, rich, and demon-free.
The In-Between
But what of the transformation period? Surely it does not simply occur because the season of hardship is behind you. So poof! Hardships have made you a more rich person.
It’s messier than that. It’s a longer journey than the just enduring part. It’s the becoming part that leaves you stranded on the couch, morning after morning, 6:30 a.m. feeling keenly aware that you are in the in between. Not the girl I started out as- nor the better version- but somewhere in between. Trying to find my way home.
So that’s where I have been. Some of you have asked. And that‘s the only answer I can give.
I am in the in between. We are in the in between.
Not in a storm, but not the new shinier 4.0 version of myself either. Just somewhere in between… becoming. And the becoming process sucks. I don’t like change. And I don’t like living in the unknown. And I don’t like feeling so unsettled. Seems like by now I should have it all figured out. But I don’t.
And the truth is- I think that is exactly where I am supposed to be right now. Living in the unknown. The driftwood that’s been spit out three counties over- trying to get my bearings and wondering- what next?
With that being said…
I am working on a new album and writing songs that I’ve always wanted to write. Saying things I’ve always wanted to say. Writing with writers who are challenging me to go places I’ve never gone before with my music.
Ryan is no longer traveling with me. And that is the biggest of changes. He has taken a 8-5 job in Dallas that he loves- he was ready for something new- and yet he still believes in what I do and wants me to follow where it leads. Still, after 11 years of making music together and living side by side, 24 hours a day, traveling the world, there is a loneliness in doing what we have done together for so long, by myself.
We are trying to figure out what that looks like for Addison Road and what that means for our family. For now it means performing on weekends- taking Annie with me sometimes- or leaving her with her grandparents for the weekend so Ryan can recover from the work week. Sometimes Ryan will be with me, but mostly, he is getting used to his new world too- and apparently you working-world-folk live for the weekends. I don’t think Ryan or I had any concept of a “weekend” until the last five months.
We are realizing, that for most of the working world, scheduling a “date” night becomes one of the only ways to ensure that you have any amount of quality time together. Who knew? Who knew that weekends were for laundry, going to the park, and fixing things around the house? Who knew that cooking dinner every single night would almost make eating undesirable? Who knew that getting your clothes starched at the cleaners- every week- could cost so much money (Did I mention that before Ryan took this new job, we didn’t even own an iron or ironing board? We have refused to buy a real board. We got a small fold up board that does absolutely no good. Still, it feels less domesticated and that makes us feel better about owning our very own iron.) Who knew that being a stay at home mom during the weeks would require so much energy, patience, wisdom, and mental stability- which I am severely lacking in?!?
These are the sorts of things you face in the in-between. In the becoming something new. One day you are ready to take on the new world. The next day you are begging for the old world. The next you are simply convinced that you were never convinced of anything in the world to begin with. It is a season marked by the unknown. Curiosity abounds. Excitement fights to shine through. Fear and self-doubt dominate. The kind of self-doubt that hits you over the head at the beginning of puberty, leaving you rattled and insecure and lost and overwhelmed with the possibilities of giving birth to a new person. A new version. If nothing else, the in between seasons are great reminders to hold life lightly. Hang on too tight- to your own version- and you are bound to be heartbroken.
Because there will, inevitably, always be a season of becoming.
Aisle 7 and the Evil Spaghetti
My biggest break down during this season of in-between living was on Aisle 7 at Kroger.
I sat there staring at spaghetti. Some horrible 1980‘s Phil Collins song came on. I stared at the spaghetti longer. Harder. What do I cook for dinner? What do people cook for dinner? I had no idea. Being on tour for two years straight, I hadn’t cooked for my family. Not only had I not cooked, 99% of the time, I didn’t even have a choice over what I would eat. I showed up at a venue and the food was there. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. I didn’t do any of it. I had no idea what to cook for dinner. I didn’t even know where to begin. The spaghetti started calling me names. And before I knew it, all the spaghetti boxes were talking, hovering over me, telling me that I had failed- as a mom, a wife, a musician, a cook- you name it and the spaghetti was screaming it at me.
And right there, on Aisle 7, between noodles and tomato sauce I began to sob and grieve the becoming. The in between.
Like driftwood. Churned up by the storms and spit out in a different county, mangled, in a river I’d never known. I was in the eye of the storm.
God love the old lady who said, “Sweetie are you ok?”
“I just don’t even know what to cook for dinner. I don’t even know what to buy,” I said through sobs- massive sobs- on Aisle 7.
“Well, sweetie, you should just do take-out. Leave the buggy right here. Go get in your car. And do take-out. You do not need to cook a thing tonight. You just leave this buggy right here. It will take care of itself.”
“Ok. Ok. You’re right. Pizza will work won’t it? I just. I just don’t even know what to put on the noodles. You know? I just can’t believe this,” I left the basket in a daze, sobbing, shoulders shaking, Phil Collins singing something about love in the background.
Poor lady.
Sometimes you just need the permission to be broken down. To not know what to cook. To leave the buggy, full of perishables, right in the middle of Aisle 7. She was there to give me permission. Permission to be afraid. Permission to cry. Permission to feel lost. Permission to go home- let it fall like rain onto my pillow- and then rise, ready to start over again. And you do start over again. I am starting over again.
Inevitably, the hope and excitement of the unknown shines through the clouds. And eventually, the clouds roll away all together.
Me
So this is me. This is Ryan and I. This is us. We have weathered storms- and found ourselves in a season of complete change. To put a bow on it for you and wrap it up nicely would be to deny that we are walking through the much needed- albeit much dreaded season- of becoming. So I can’t do that. No cliche’ quotes or scripture verses about not worrying or about faith in God’s plan or the future… though it is there, the faith. It is there. But the truth is, we are still living in the uncertainty- and I hate it. I am working through my lostness, and no amount of faith takes away the fear and loneliness that accompanies drifting down a river, trying to find your way home… to your new home. Becoming something different and refined along the way.
A bit of holy fear and loneliness during the becoming is good for my soul- whether I like it or not.
This isn’t about Addison Road. I really believe the songs we are writing for the next Addison Road album are the best we’ve ever written. This isn’t about Ryan and his desire for a new career. This is bigger than a job. Bigger than paychecks or talents and skills.
This is about going from storms- to mangledy bangledy- to coming out on the other side, bottom of the river- looking different than ever before.
This is the in between season. Of growing into my skin. Of redefining. Of growing up. Of becoming.
*Thank you to Paul Allen for encouraging me to write this blog. To Karen Briseno for enduring with me during the silent in-between. And for the rest of you who still come here to share life with me.*
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44 Comments
Jessica on September 8, 2011 at 6:26 pm.
I'm not sure what to say, besides that I feel kind of in the same position. Love that you are honest and open.
Christina on September 8, 2011 at 6:38 pm.
I just love this.
I can think of a thousand cliches to use to help pump you up right now. So many verses and quotes and statements are flying through my head right now I can hardly stand it. I can also sit here and say, "Hey I'm going through the same season, but I have no family, no marriage, no career nothing to float me through it all so just be happy it's not worse" but the truth is….this season is just horrible. For anyone. There is no way around the desert but through it. And it breaks my heart to know anyone else has to feel so dreadfully lost even if it is a practical part of being a disciple, following our Savior into the wilderness for 40 days or something.
I am so grateful to you for expressing this because I am in fact in exactly the same season, and personally I would rather be blowing in a hurricane. Literally, I love them. I have one tattooed on my wrist. I love who I become after a storm, I guess that's why I love hurricanes so much, but I do not like that lull after the mess is cleaned up and you're like "Now what?"
Give me fire give me storms give me war…but waiting? Pssht. DO NOT GIVE ME THAT! It's the pits and I fear it more than anything. I am reading a book right now called "War" written by Sebastian Junger about his time embedded in Afghanistan and he talks a lot about what the guys go through when the fire fights stop and I took particular notice to this: "Around me the men are eating MREs and talking about their plans in the military, about the troubles in Third platoon, about how everything fell apart once the fighting stopped. Friends started arguing and a sour discontent crept through the company that was almost as threatening to their mission as the enemy. The lull was much harder on group dynamics than combat and caught everyone by surprise, even the commanders."
Obviously God allows trying times to test our faith-and to people like us the desert is more trying than the storm-but what I think we fail to understand sometimes is that the enemy uses these times more than any to break apart team dynamics: marriages, friendships, families, armies….the church. So really the only answer is to just make sure you protect your family which quite obviously you are doing well at. All I know is that God gives these times to His favorites, even though some people will say God has no favorites. Personally I believe God's favorites are those of us who fight the hardest to keep him, and to keep our blessings. You are one of those. Not just in this desert you are in now, but in the storms, and in the fires too.
Watching your struggles, even from this distance of just reading what you write and listening to your music, I know you are one of His favorites (I don't care who gets mad at me for saying He picks favorites) and I can never thank you enough for being so honest about what you go through. I wish I can give you some help, but really you've actually helped me just by writing this so the thanks for help belongs to you.
Just know there are a lot of people going through what you are going through and though we must do it a alone without much help, we're all doing it together, in a sense, as one big extended invisible family.
inatwinkling on September 8, 2011 at 6:47 pm.
Sometimes the only way to describe life is messy! And the clean up on aisle 7 just doesn't happen, instead you have to learn to walk through it, around it, and take it for what it is at the moment. The clean up happens eventually…maybe in a few days, maybe a week, and sometimes…it takes years. Let the learning and the becoming you describe are the invaluable lessons we could never learn otherwise. Isn't it good to know (even if we struggle to believe it) that our God has orchestrated it all for our good. I have to say my 30's were pretty messy at times, albeit full to over-flowing with amazing memories. On the other side of 40 now, I can see lots of God's handy work in my life. And the honest truth is that I am still standing in the middle of a mess that I would love to see cleaned up! But God has said, "no, not yet". I can almost hear Him say, keep those boots on girl and keep on trudging through. So I will in hopeful and trying for joyful expectation.
Stormy on September 8, 2011 at 6:48 pm.
Thank you for putting into words what I have been going through for the past several months. It's not easy to explain, and yet, you managed to describe it perfectly. One part that really resonated with me was " One day you are ready to take on the new world. The next day you are begging for the old world. The next you are simply convinced that you were never convinced of anything in the world to begin with." At times I feel so lost and I am not sure why. If someone were to ask, I couldn't give them a definitive answer. I just know that God is working in my life. I feel it. But I can't see what He is doing. I have no clue what He is doing 'behind the scenes.' I now can refer to it as "the becoming" process. Thank you, Jenny, for being so transparent and sharing this. I really needed to hear it.
violinhobbit on September 8, 2011 at 6:49 pm.
Thanks for sharing, Jenny. This post is so real, genuine, and honest, and is exactly what I needed to read at this moment.
Courtney on September 8, 2011 at 6:52 pm.
Thanks so much for posting…really needed this today. I think I'm having my own Aisle 7/Spaghetti moment.
Carolyn on September 8, 2011 at 6:52 pm.
We aren't just trusting God, he's trusting US with these character-building exercises.
When somebody told me that, I said, "Thanks… I think." And sometimes I could wish he didn't trust me quite so much………..
Other than that… thanks for writing, and do please take extra good care of yourself.
Mary C on September 8, 2011 at 7:01 pm.
Thank you again for writing so openly and honestly, and for sharing your feelings and thoughts. You have helped so many people, through your music and your blog…you are certainly allowed to take time to find help and seek answers for yourself, Jenny. Any major life change, positive or negative, can churn up chaos. Ride it out with God, as you always do. I have to tell you, there are times throughout my life when I have felt much the same, and I am 63 years old! That is not said to discourage you, but to let you know that it is just often part of life, no matter the age. Maybe you feel you automatically should know how to handle all the "domestic" type duties, but you're just getting to that stuff a little later than some…it is not a flaw. And Jenny, what an amazing journey you have been on before that! And what an amazing journey is still to come, whether you cook every week night or eat what someone else has provided…whether you travel out of state or travel to Kroger every week…whether you iron on a tiny board (I hate ironing, by the way) or let the cleaners take care of it. Sometimes, I think God wants us to just "be", with all our doubts and frustrations and hopes and fears. Praying for you and your sweet family.
jennie allen on September 8, 2011 at 7:18 pm.
Oh friend- so good to read this and get an update. Praying for you as you move through change. Can not wait to hear all that comes out of your deep kindred soul! Let's catch up soon. xoxo
jenD on September 8, 2011 at 7:37 pm.
Wow, Jenny. This is some of the best stuff you've written. At least, on here. Best writing I've read in a very long time and I read faith blogs all day as part of my job. Why? It's real. In fact, this would make a great addition to those rockin' songs you have going.
Your music thrives on its honesty and how relatable it is. And trust me, this is relatable for most of us.
But seriously, know that you are not alone in the craziness. This season is one to lean on Him. You are never lost to Him. He sees your every moment, even at 6 am. Even on Aisle 7 at Kroger. It's ok to not know what is going on in life and just rest in His peace.
So… be encouraged.
Jennifer Cox on September 8, 2011 at 8:12 pm.
I have been and will continue to pray for you and your family. I am at a worship conference right now and one thing I am having to learn is to be still. Not run here or there or be "in control" just to be. It's hard. But I will pray for you in my stillness. Can't wait to see what God has in store for Jenny 4.0!
Jessie Hagan on September 8, 2011 at 9:12 pm.
Jenny, Thanks again for sharing your life with us. In the end, God's plan will work out for you and you will be where he wants you to be. First off, please give us new on Annie. You can't just drop a bombshell on us and leave us hanging for a month with no news. Some of us really love that little girl.
Second, I am glad that you are working on new songs. Your creative spirit needs to be shared.
Third, Dinner, yes it will fall into a routine. Some days I know what we are having just from the day of the week. In the long run, it has to be better that catered chicken every night.
Fourth, we REALLY miss you and the guys.
Megan on September 8, 2011 at 9:48 pm.
Thank you for being honest and open, Jenny. It's good to know that we aren't alone in these periods of unknowns and uncertainty. And these moments… they have a way of making us feel alone. I'm keeping you in prayer. <3
Allyssa on September 8, 2011 at 10:16 pm.
Jenny, I have been a piece of driftwood for about 8 years…stay at home mom of three and wife. I am finally in a place where I have found myself and I feel as though I am where I am supposed to be in life…I started a new career and it's mine, all mine. I go to work and I'm in my element, then I can come home and be the wife and mom I was meant to be…because I found a piece of me that was hidden for so long. Love and hugs to you!
P.S. You are an inspiration, you and your music…thank you!
Merits on September 8, 2011 at 10:21 pm.
I feel like a soul sister I have the same battle. It’s been a year now since I lost Joe and still wondering who I am and where do I go from here. You just write it soooo much better. Cupcakes on the 24th of this month please!!!!
Tara on September 9, 2011 at 1:11 am.
I'm facing a new chapter and the in-between transition has been hard. I have an 8 yr old that went back to school and then my very last baby boy, a 5 yr old starting kindergarten. This has been absolutely heartbreaking and devastating to me! Everyone else thinks I'm ridiculous for not celebrating and taking the "me time". But I've been the mommy the last 8 yrs! I kept my kids home and taught them pre-k! Mind you, I was 18 when I had my 8 yr old, so my entire adult life has been consumed with being the best mom I could be. So needless to say my crying breakdown moment was at Chik-fil-a with my mom and just about every hour the first day of kindergarten. Without the grace of God I'd still be a puddle on the floor bawling my eyes out, but this transition is going to be productive and full of discernment. Good luck Jenny. Love your blog
Amanda on September 9, 2011 at 1:43 am.
Thank you for sharing. I feel like I am always and will always be in a stand of in between. Its frustrating, and unsettling. But it is what it is and there is a purpose…somewhere, and somehow there is a purpose.
Alysha on September 9, 2011 at 2:09 am.
Jenny, I love love this post, not just because it’s you (but it is very good to hear from y’all(: ) but because like it’s what I’m going through and I’m sure a ton if people are. Change isn’t fun but we all gotta go through it, as for aisle 7, leave it be and adjust to everything before you try cooking too much. That can be a big stress factor in itself just stick to stuff you know how to cook and I’m sure Ryan and Annie will love it(: I love all y’all an I’m praying everyday for y’all to have safe travels and to adjust to everything smoothly<3
rebecca on September 9, 2011 at 2:11 am.
finding peace in "the in between" has been a relatable struggle of mine ever since we moved back to texas. i too don't do well with change and have really struggled with this adjustment. i'm not proud of how i've handled things and i know for me, it's because i haven't been trusting God to be God. hang in there, sweet friend. thanks for sharing your life with us and for encouraging us with your vulnerability. i guess it's the 'ole "misery loves company" thing, but it really is nice to know that i'm not alone in this struggle to accept being in the "in between."
love you!
p.s. love the new pics and layout!
Annie on September 9, 2011 at 2:17 am.
Jenny, thank you so much for using your talent to write this so well. In some ways, I feel these emotions every day. As a high school student, the stress of performing perfectly in school and trying to make decisions regarding my future has left me feeling like a piece of driftwood for the past few years… not sure where I'm going but not being happy where I am and impatiently waiting what's to come… change is such a frightening thing but with God by your side and the amazing person you already are, the finished product will surely be fabulous!
Krystal on September 9, 2011 at 10:04 am.
Oh Jenny, I've so missed your blogs! I feel like you just described word for word exactly where I have been for the past 4 months. I was in tears reading this because I can relate to that feeling so much right now. That horrible in between, I never saw it coming, it just hit all of the sudden, and now I don't know what to do with it. Now I feel so lost and scared. But reading this blog made me feel less alone. It's easy when going through something to start believing that you're the only one who feels lost, alone, and scared. I like that you called it a season of becoming …that feels hopeful to me. It gives me some hope to think that maybe this season has a purpose.
Thank you so much Jenny for being honest. I've missed your writing. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless!
Paul Allen on September 9, 2011 at 12:04 pm.
enjoyed reading it very much. Seems like there is a Kroger song out there for you to write.
Paul.
Adriane on September 9, 2011 at 12:49 pm.
Thank you for writing this. This is exactly what my life feels like and you helped put it in such great perspective!
Janelle Keith on September 9, 2011 at 1:06 pm.
Wow…Jenny you have written my heart. My now. You are not alone. God promises life on the other side. But also promises life in our current present too. I call it re-purposing (I don't even know if that is a word, but it should be). My meltdown?…yeah…over a tire. I didn't know that then, but in your honesty, it has just been revealed to me. It's real, it's our life now, but we're still God's…
chelle on September 9, 2011 at 1:22 pm.
Your words describe where I have been the past few months. I hate change. I know it's on the horizon…I know that I will be better later…but the inbetween sucks. Thank you for being so open and honest…for putting into words what so many of us feel. I just wonder how long my becoming season will be?
Jessica on September 9, 2011 at 2:09 pm.
Thank you so much for being real. It would be easy for you to say things are hard and then throw out some cliches, like you said. But thank you for your honesty. There is a beauty in being real, and honest about it when you're struggling, that adds to how we help each other as Christians. And you help me more than you know, every time I read your writing. So, thank you, so much.
Corey on September 9, 2011 at 3:25 pm.
Thank you for sharing honestly what many of us feel as well.
Tina K on September 9, 2011 at 4:21 pm.
Jenny,
I have no words of wisdom to share. I just want to tell you, you and your family continue to be in my prayers. Hugs.
RaVae on September 9, 2011 at 4:27 pm.
I'm not sure what to say Jenny, not that you need me to say anything, but I want to. I want you to know that I have been praying for you. You have been heavy on my heart at certain times and on certain days for the last few months. And now I know why. Thank you for sharing about the Becoming time you are going through.
Trista on September 9, 2011 at 5:30 pm.
Wow…. I'm at a loss for words. When I read this I saw me. This is where I am right now. Where I have been for the last couple years. I hate change and I don't want anything to change, but at the same time, I'm bored with where I am. Craving change – something new, something different. But what? I feel completely helpless and lost. But reading this has helped me to understand that I'm not alone. There are other people in the world feeling exactly how I feel even though I'm not sure that's possible at times. So thank you for sharing. Thank you for giving me hope and helping me realize that there is a reason for this time even if I don't understand it or like it. I'm going through this so I can become something different. Something better.
Amber on September 9, 2011 at 7:41 pm.
Thank you Jenny. I found the timing of this post ironic, but it seems like apparently alot of people have. Maybe we are always all somewhat "in-between" as Jesus works to make us stronger. Maybe all the surrendered hearts out there are gently being made more like Him steadily rolling with the punches as we feel them hit our face…"no, sweet child…give that to me," "and yep, that one too" Me: "But what about this Lord?? Can't I retaliate here pleeaseee??" and Jesus, "Nope, you must give that to me as well." Frankly…I'm exhausted. But, every single time I've surrendered the thing He's asked I feel better. But the process feels like it's killing me "in-between" and bless that sweet lady on Asile 7!! I honestly will be praying for you even though you have no idea who I am.
Jesus reminded me of something today though…this really isn't about me at all…it's about Him. Love you girl!
Leslie Lamb on September 9, 2011 at 10:13 pm.
Oh love, do I ever feel you. I’ve been many years in the in-between… It ebbs and flows… But I’m learning all the while that I am finite but not insignificant. I love your heart, your honesty, and your openness. <3
Sherri Smith on September 10, 2011 at 1:48 am.
Your honesty is refreshing, Jenny! So many times we hear people talking after how God's changed them AFTER its all said and done.
But right now, you're in the thick of the fire. God's turning you and roasting you and refining you. And it hurts. Thanks for sharing the pinches and prods and oohs and ouchies.
memory on September 10, 2011 at 12:27 pm.
I am the one with the self-doubt being hit over the head during puberty.
i am the one who is in love with this post and your blog.
i am the one who's heart skipped a beat when i read addison road is working on a new album.
i am the one that listened to all of y'all's album Stories last night.
Suzanne on September 10, 2011 at 12:50 pm.
Jenny. First let me say I will be praying for you to have peace through this difficult season of your life. And without sounding preachy and holier than thou, please let me share the wisdom that I've found for myself. I've been through some major storms in my life, including divorce, suicide, sickness and can joyfully tell you I have come out on the other side. Keep your focus on God. Read the Bible, learn the Bible, absorb the Bible. For it is life giving, and life changing. Romans 12:12 says "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." The joy, hope, patience, and faithfulness will be found when you focus on God. Cry out to him constantly. He will listen and He will answer. Bless you on your journey.
Scott on September 11, 2011 at 11:25 pm.
Hi Jenny,
Thank you for this beautiful and honest post. Here's a passage — from a book called _Letters to a Young Poet_ by the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke — that has helped me in my in-betweens:
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
Warmly,
Scott
Jen Mayes on September 12, 2011 at 2:22 am.
Thank you for writing and I pretty much think you listened to the thoughts in my head and totally stole them.
But it's ok, you can steal those as you wrote it better than I could. I am "becoming" as well, and it sucks. Really sucks.
Angie on September 12, 2011 at 3:18 am.
Thank you so very much for your blog and your music and you! I am at the same point in my life, trying to figure out what's going on and I'm in the between. You don't need any verses or clever cliches. Your honesty and truth are what I needed to hear! I'm ready for that next season and becoming…only I don't know what season it is or what I'm becoming, but I trust that I'll make it through to the other side. (and I find myself awake at those same times in the mornings sometimes wondering the same things!) Hang on, girl!! And thank you for being you
Benjy on September 12, 2011 at 6:15 pm.
You bless me and encourage me in your "mess". What a difference you make in this world (in people) with what you go through. I thank God you are who you are and what you are becoming.
Erin Mauney on September 13, 2011 at 2:57 pm.
I feel just like you. I am feeling that way exactly. It can be discouraging when you have felt as if you have spent years seeking GOd, but you still struggle. It seems like alot of people (the ones writing the books/Bible studies/the songs) have it all figured out. Like they got it the first time and don't have take steps backwards. But maybe that's just what the enemy suggests and is not real nor true.
I read this today and thought of you. Maybe it will encourage you.
When you don't know who you are, where you are, and what the purpose of anything is:
Make the Lord and his immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God's love for you and his choice of you consitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life. -Brennon Manning
Shannon on September 14, 2011 at 3:22 pm.
Thank you so much for your continued honesty. You have no idea how much God is using this place in your life to speak to countless others.
ajk923 on September 17, 2011 at 8:29 pm.
Jenny this was so encouraging to read. I'm totally stuck in "becoming" too and it's so nice to know I'm not alone. It's such a hard place. It's like being stuck between two lives. In my case l'm trying so hard to get to the other life but I keep slipping back and God keeps telling me, "not yet, Anna, not yet." I don't know who or what I'm becoming but I'm not who I was or who I want to be. I just learned about christian growth and about how it takes time. But it's hard because I don't know how long I'll be stuck in between. Thanks again.
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Amy on October 8, 2011 at 10:53 am.
Thank you, Jenny. I only discovered Addison Road this week, through a friend from Texas who is serving God here in England with me. The first song that I heard was "What Do I Know of Holy," and words really can't express how much it moved me. And then-this blog post that touched me just as deeply. Thank you, thank you for your music and your words here, and the way that you share your heart. Many blessings to you and your family.