12:50. Burping. Well thinking about it at least. How do you say Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Awe-maw-denny-jawd? Alm-den-i-jawd? All-ma-deen-jad? What about Medvedev? Kim-Jong Il? Is the "J" silent like it is in Spanish? Seriously though, how do you say Mahmoud's name? No wonder these people don't like us... we're too lazy and elite to learn their language or at least learn to pronounce their names correctly. But, I mean, you're kind of asking for it. Ahmadinejad?
12:54. Burped. Finally. You'd think the way you devour the milk like I have the last utter on the planet would make for pretty good burping. But no, you'd rather take it all out in your diapers; deal with it through reflux. Sigh. You're still too cute to mind. This will not work when you are 13. Or 5. Or 25 for that matter. [At least I hope not. Though there is the strange fear and suspicion that I might forever be melted and broken down by your precious smile and button nose. Surely I will not love you this unconditionally forever, right? I mean, loving you this way means that mom sacrifices a lot. I put you first. What happened to me? I never knew I was selfish. But I am. Loving you makes me understand the depths of my own selfishness. Because I want to love you perfectly... and trying to attain perfection requires sacrifice.]
1:15 a.m. Swaddled. Sound asleep. Thank God. My toes are tingling and I can barely keep my eyelids open. Did I really ever voluntarily go to lock-ins? Why? Why did I give away precious hours of sleep? I was so young. So stupid. Sleep child! Sleep while you can! Why didn't anyone ever tell me this?
1:20 a.m. I'm so glad Ryan washed the sheets. They feel like velvet on my legs. My baby will sleep until 4 a.m. and I will lay in a pile of velvet and slip into sweet oblivion. I'm so glad my husband likes to have clean sheets... he's a good man. He picked out perfect sheets too... ahhh... it feels so amazing to be in this bed. Velvet...
2:40 a.m. The beginning of a whimper.
2:41 a.m. Don't you dare. Don't... Don't do it....Ohhhhh... God, please, please, please. I will call my grandma as soon as I wake up and tithe extra money this week, I will lose the irritability and even go to Africa or something if you want me to, please, just put her to sleep and I will do ANYTHING. Anything. I'm serious.
2:42 a.m. Silence. Yep, I'll call grandma. I promise. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. You are a good God.
2:45 a.m. Hysteria. Full-blown.
2:47 a.m. Leaning over the crib. Her eyes are shut. What? Are you sleep crying? Are you OK? Are you having a bad dream? I am so confused.
2:47:30 a.m. Eyeballs pop open. Creepy. That scared me to death baby. Don't just pop awake like that on mommy, you look like an evil gremlin. Biggest smile I've seen all day. Anniston is not only awake, she is alert and happy. But I read the book little girl. I will not make eye contact with you or talk to you right now. You must learn that this is night time. I will obey the book. She coos. OK. It's night time unless you start cooing, the book must not have used a real baby that cooed, otherwise they would have written about the exceptions to the rules. If there is cooing, then we simply must talk! HI! I'm so glad you're awake! What were you dreaming about? How do you feel? Are you still the most perfect little thing in the whole world? Yes! That's right, you are.
2:55 a.m. The moment has passed. I might throw-up. I am so tired. Why don't you sleep through the night like I did when I was a baby? I am sure I slept through the night at eight weeks. Oh, i had such a perfect night of sleep planned out for me and the velvet sheets. But eat away little bird, you are hungry, eat away.
2:57 a.m. Will we go into world war three now? I mean, if Pakistan loses control of their government or military then we will have rogue nuclear weapons in the hands of the Taliban or jihadists or both, and let's be honest, ole Pakistan isn't having a lot of luck reining their terrorist friendly countrymen in. Then you have Jong-Il putting American journalists into labor camps and getting a little too friendly with his nuclear testing. Why go nuclear people? Why? Iran... do you really need something that can obliterate half of the middle east? And Lord only knows how Russia will play into this world struggle for power, they are on the prowl. Russia will reign again! But we are nuclear, aren't we? How can we ask people to adhere to policies that we do not follow ourselves? I need to buy gas mask's for my family and start a war closet stocked with food, flashlights, oxygen, and little Bibles. I don't know. Little Bibles just sound appropriate.
What time is it? Is she still breathing?
3:09 a.m. That's it? I have just run World War Three out in my mind and created a war survival strategy for my family. At this rate I can think all the way through the next five natural catastrophes and at least two more wars. My eyes feel like bricks. I feel sort of sick.
3:15 a.m. Head jerk. Crap, Jenny. You can't fall asleep while you're holding her. You could have dropped her. Though I guess that would have made the burp come out. What? You just justified dropping your baby? I need sleep. Baby, I need sleep.
3:30 a.m. Too tired to re-insert her paci and fix her swaddle. We go to sleep together on the couch. Her little breath brushes over my chest. Sometimes it gives me the chills. It might be one of the best feelings in the world. She's breathing. She's at peace. She is she. This tiny (9.4 pounds today!) little thing that we created. She loves me. Or at least needs me. I love her. Desperately.
6:00 a.m. Wide awake and ready to eat. We feed and then we play. I open the blinds and throw in the towel. The sun is out and Anniston wants to play. She is kicking and cooing and looking at everything. How can you turn that down. Another nights sleep slips through my fingers. Another memory etches its way into that place where only she can leave marks. Who needs sleep when you're making memories? I can sleep tomorrow.
Good morning Annie.
19 comments:
Sleep deprivation is tough. Not fun. But, as the mom of 20 month old twin boys, I can promise the day will come when she'll sleep through the night. Keep on being a great mom. I'm proud of you.
Not that I haven't been though this before, but where's your hubby? Could he at least bring her to you?
Also, I had a "co-sleeper", where it was a pack and play with a cut off side and mattress that was the same height as yours. You practically only have to roll over to feed her and you won't roll ON her. It was the BEST INVENTION EVER, especially since baby's room was downstairs and ours up. It didn't interfere with them sleeping though the night, and since I didn't have to fully wake up, I was more tolerable. :)
You just made sleep deprivation sound like bliss. I know it is tough, but you made those moments sound beautiful.
it's the best trade off i've ever experienced. enjoy every second of it. you won't get them back!
oh how i remember those days, but only you jenny can make it sound miserable and magical at the same time. i promise she will sleep one day and you will forget all the misery and remember the magical. love you!!
you poor thing.....way to be a "half glass full" kind of girl! :)
not getting enough sleep was BY FAR the toughest part of having an infant for me. i feel your pain jenny!
hopefully she'll start sleeping longer for you very soon. hopefully she won't wait 'til she's 14 months old to sleep through the night like my little guy did!!!!
I remember those days. Although, I just brought them to bed with me, slept through feedings, and would put the baby back in her crib the next time I woke up. Bottom line: find what works for you!
I didn't get much sleep until I learned to nurse while laying down and we both got the most sleep!!! Even my hubby slept more :)
i have nights like that myself... just without the baby... and without WW3...
...ok, I don't have nights like that.
I have nieces, but I don't have them that long... i do see em almost every day though for a few hours. I was gone for Mission-Fuge last week, and yesterday was really the first time I got to spend with my younger niece, Peyton. It's ridiculous how different she is. She's moving around a LOT more. She was always so calm and peaceful, and yesterday I picked her up, and she didn't seem to want to leave me, but she insisted on squirming and twisting and jumping and everything as I held her. She also made a lot more noises. But I got to spend some good time with her, and I'm finally to the point where I can hold her, and if her grandma walks by, she doesn't do everything in her power to go to her. In fact, my mom was holding her yesterday and I walked by and she insisted on me holding her. Bout time.
I found that you can expect to start getting a full night sleep when they get to be about 24 years old. Learn to live without sleep for a very long time.
Paul
Two words: co-sleeping. You sleep, they sleep, they feed, you sleep... it's beautiful!
I totally forwarded this blog to a bunch of my mommy-friends and they all loved it, and related to it as I did. It's the price we pay... and it's totally worth it, dear!
It's as if I wrote this post myself! I remember the nights...yawn! It will get better, I promise! Hang in there! :)
Ok, I know everyone says: "Read this book, it's a miracle!"
But seriously. Have you read, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child ?
My 7 month old started sleeping 12 hours a night at 9 weeks. REALLY.
Sleep will come... eventually. :)
Just remember they really do grow up fast.
Beautiful. It made me so happy to see a new post, too! Hopefully sleep will come to you soon.
And I am making a mental note to read the book Emily suggested in about 7 years when I have my own kids.
Oh Jenny,
I sooo feel your pain. I know it feels like you will never get out of this phase, but, I promise you, you will. I had some of my best naps/resttimes with a child sleeping on my chest! During the day, Drew would watch games with a child asleep on his chest while I took a nap... pure bliss. It's great to see your positive attitude about this all. You are going great!!
Hugs!
Lisa Kiesling
Jenny, your stories about the lack of sleep remind me of my little sister when she became a mother for the first time as well :) I've learned and am still learning in the little moments when I watch the little guy that is my nephew that babies are God's way of teaching us what it means to love and be selfless :) I'm glad that they found out the reason for your allergic reaction, I can imagine you are very much relived :) Thanks for the autograph and hug on Saturday in Iowa, you and your bandmates are the coolest group of worship leaders and it was a pleasure meeting you all! God bless!
...wow... I'm not a mommy yet myself, but as I read your post it seemed so real to me. I'm amazed that through your lack of sleep you had enough sanity to write something as descriptive and beautiful as that!
All I can say is that I'm praying for you. Hope that helps a little. :)
Blessings!
I'm getting blessed by your blog, sister in Christ. I think you're a wonderful mother. I'm commenting because my mother never got the chance to know what it was like to share the moments you describe with her son. Given her mentality, she just couldn't be a proper mother- that wasn't her fault. I could resent her sometimes simply because she wasn't there for me, but that's wrong and selfish and not Christlike. Shouldn't I think SHE feels bad too? I love her anyway, though I've never seen her in person. One day I hope to.
My grandparents raised me from seven months. Grampy was a Methodist minister. He just turned 90 yesterday. Grammy's gone home.
I can say "I wish" in hindsight, but the Lord provided- His way. I'm 36 and He's still raising me. It touched me to see the priceless compassion you have for Annie. God bless you, Jenny.
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